I enjoyed a wonderful conversation recently regarding the raising of children. We were discussing the fact that there are times when it is very difficult to be positive in your interactions with children, usually when the child will damage something or will create a mess.

Our autopilot often takes over and we find ourselves telling a child not to do something, which of course as any parent knows, actually serves to encourage the child to do the thing more.

In general, parents are focused to teach a child to avoid things and therefore will normally tell the child what not to do, rather than telling them what they can do.

For example, a child is playing in the bath with a pouring jug which they are happily filling up and pouring out into the bath. Then they decide to pour the water out of the bath and the parent says, “Don’t pour the water onto the floor”. This normally prompts them to continue, at which point the parent escalates the situation and either takes the jug of them, or takes them out of the bath. Of course, the parent is focused on the pouring of water onto the floor (it doesn’t matter that they are saying don’t).

To focus on the positive takes time and a change of habit - in the example, the parent could have said “Keep the water in the bath” which is focusing on what the parent wants the child to do, not on what they do not want them to do. This way of speaking to the child is much more likely to result in the bath water staying in the bath and not going on the floor. The other alternative is to say “Play nicely” or similar, though this is a little vague and will not always help, it is much more effective to actually state what you do want.

This focus on the positive is important in all aspects of life, not just in parenting. Someone who focuses mainly on what they want, or want to do, is much more likely to achieve these things than someone who focuses mainly on what they do not want to do, or what they want to avoid.

This is really just very simple goal setting: As a parent of a young child, by phrasing in the positive and focusing on what you want the child to do (not on what you do not want them to do), you are encouraging them to learn to set very good, positively focused goals; As an adult, thinking and speaking of what you do want, rather than in terms of what you don’t want, will help you set and achieve positive, effective goals.

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