The Art of Non-Judgment (Unconditional Acceptance)
Something I read this morning in a book by Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” has really helped to click a few ideas into place for me with regards to being non-judgmental. The ideas I present here draw on his writings and other information I have gathered from my work and experience. Personally, I prefer the term unconditional acceptance to non-judgment as it focuses on what you want, rather than what you are trying to avoid - judgment.
From personal experience, I have found non-judgment and unconditional acceptance very easy in my work as a life coach. The reason for this lies is in my belief that my client is able to be creative, resourceful and whole. In short, I believe they have the potential to be, do and have anything they want. Furthermore I understand that the person who presents themselves to me is not neccessarily who they really are.
I’m certainly not suggesting that I am judgment free, I acknowledge that in many ways we are programmed to judge from birth. Indeed some of the judgments and beliefs we create are vital to our survival. I think that the most enlightened we can be is to unconditionally accept things, in spite of our judgment of them. In other words, as long as we acknowledge our judgments and do not allow them to shape our thinking, our words or our actions then we can be true to ourselves.
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Filed under: Personal Development, self-improvement — Tags: acceptance, be do have, eckhart tolle, judgement, judgemental, non-judgment, non-judgmental, unconditional — Dan O'Neil @ 10:46 pm
Hi Dan,
This is a great article.
Judgment can limit us in so many ways. I like the term ‘unconditional acceptance’!
From my perspective as a Colour therapist, judgment relates to our ‘gold’ and when we are coming from our gold we are coming from our empowered, true self.
I really enjoy reading your articles!
Leanne
@Leanne Thanks for your comments. It’s great that there are so many different ways of helping people deal with this challenge and thanks for the insight into your work. Dan.
It seems like it’d be really, really tough for some people to break this habit. While being judgmental is very bad in a lot of ways, it is necessary to our survival in some like you pointed out, so that kind of makes it a slippery slope. You start of judgmental for survival and then something else comes along so you’re judgmental about it as well. It’s a ripple effect.
I try to be as unconditionally accepting as possible (never heard the phrase until now), but it just seems like most people are just programmed to at least be judgmental in their heads even if they don’t allow it to effect their actions.
Not sure if that makes any sense, but it’s hard to put into words.
@Veronique Great comment! I think that really gets to the point of this and the thing about it not affecting your actions is the key. It’s not only hard to put these concepts and ideas into words, it’s pretty hard to put them into practice! Thanks for your words, Dan.
For me the word assesment is better than judgment. Although I am making a judgement in saying that!
Assesment is part of life and essential in many areas. Assesment of danger assesment of results etc.
Judgement implies one is better than the other and I find this generally not helpful when working with people.
I always try to encourage others into doing things that don’t tie them down also. And judging just to make a point is very counterproductive.
Very good article here, perhaps in my opinion assesment would be more productive than a judgment.. but in the real world lots of things are decided or created by someone’s judgment..
@Matt - Assessment is a great word and perhaps helps to clear up where judgment can be useful.
@Tony - Thanks
@allnewrelease - Again, I agree that assessment is a useful word here.
Ya, I too agree assesment is better than judgment.
Assesment is important in many areas and have positive effect always. But Judgement always make you feel something is better than the other, so it may have a positive or negative effect.
First of all glad to hear you are reading A New Earth - what a wisdom-filled book for our times.
Anyway even though assesment might sound nicer, I think the reality is that judgement and judgemental behaviors are all around us, and unfortunately whether we admit it or not most of the world judges unconsciously pretty much everything. Throw labelling into the equation and we see how most of the world works. I think it is important to address this issue consciously within yourself no matter what you are going to call it. And I guess that is the idea you finish with, seeing the judgement within, without them running our lives.
I totally agree to your article and to the comment of allnewrelease, assessment is the better word in this case!
I have another question: Is “A new World” easy to read? I am a German and my English is better than my skill in dancing, but it is not really great.
@Schiffsbeteiligungen - Thanks for your comment.
The word “Earth” perhaps has more of a link with the ground we walk on and the mud we plant our food in, whereas “World” seems to me to link outwards to something that is not a part of us.
A new world is someone else’s responsibility, whereas a new earth is our collective responsibility. Maybe!
Interesting question though!
Hi. Just like to say how impressed with your writings I am. I always had the stereotype that life coaches were charlatans, charging $100/hours for Las Vegas-esque its all about me and what I want mentorship. You have totally revised my thinking.
@Levon Thanks for your comments. Dan.
Dan,
I find myself more and more less-tolerant to criticism of others and judgement “not vital to survival.” It is one thing to pull away from new friends and even long time friends, but is rather difficult when the most serious offender is your spouse of 25 years.
How can I relay to others that I am offended and sometimes hurt when others are unfairly criticized? It seems that when people pass judgement on others to you; it is their expectaiton that not only will you agree with them, but to chime in as well.
Debbie,
Thanks for your comment and question. I’ve been pondering this overnight and I think it might make a good post of it’s own, but in the meantime I’ll do my best to answer here.
I’ve had clients in the past who have come up with their own ways of dealing with issues between themselves and their partners, 2 examples are: First, to have a conversation with your spouse and explain your feelings and thoughts - most people pick a place outside the home and on neutral ground; the second is to continue growing, developing and changing as you are doubtless already doing and hope that someday you’ll break through the resistance that you are experiencing. (I’m assuming of course that as you change and grow, your spouse is reacting by becoming more of what you are moving away from, in order to try and maintain the status quo that they are used to.)
In my role as a coach, people often think that I am going to give them advice, which is rarely the case. In any situation there are more possible outcomes than I can possibly think of and you have more factors that affect your situation than I can possibly know. Coaches are skilled at helping people reach their own conclusions and approaches to situations like this.
To me it seems as though it might be useful for you to get some relationship counselling, coaching or support (in the UK we have Relate, I’m sure most countries have similar organisations and charities).
Lastly, recognise that you are moving towards the person that you wish to be. It’s a wonderful thing to not accept criticism and judgement when you hear it directed at others. If it’s not your wish to chime in, then remain centred and true to yourself.
Any process like this is hard, it can certainly be painful and I’d suggest that you seek some help if you want this situation to change or improve.
Thanks for sharing your position and perspective, I hope I’ve been able to help in some way. Kind regards, Dan.
Although many people would like to believe they practice unconditional acceptance, few could say they do it as you’ve outlined. Wonderful post.
Dan O’Neil says… Thanks John