It’s normally around now that most people realise that we’re a good way into the year and they’ve not done too well on their promises to themselves. If you are in this boat, then the first thing you’ll do, of course, is to berate yourself about it. Obviously this makes you feel wonderful and all the more motivated to get into action! No?

So, clearly this method of motivation is largely unsuccessful, rather like a parent in a sports game who tells their child exactly what they are doing wrong and then expects them to perform to the most incredible standard, which of course would not be good enough. If you hadn’t already realised, we all have this parent that dwells inside us, ready to pounce on any slight deviation from perfection. This “Critical Parent” (or Controlling Parent - from the Transactional Analysis model) seeks to keep us on the straight and narrow, performing to the best of our ability. Even without too much psycho-babble and explanation, it is clearly not a fast route to success or motivation.

The most wonderful thing about any type of situation where we want to make change is that the key to it is awareness. So the first step is simply to be vigilant and be aware when such situations like this occur. When you notice the voice in your head being critical and saying that you need to get on with it, or do things differently, because you are aware of it, you have the power to react in any way you choose. For me, I find that a big smile back at the voice completely disarms it and enables me to become motivated rather than it disabling me. The beauty in this is that you can find your own way of reacting that will help you to keep or become more motivated to make the changes you desire.

It takes time, the first thing that usually happens is that you notice later and then you criticise yourself for not noticing at the time, which you may or may not notice as you do this! With practice, patience and a reminder that you are still learning and actually spotting it late is better than you’ve ever done before, this way of dealing with your inner critic will help you live a more motivated life.

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Technorati Tags: Awareness, Change, Choice, learning, motivation, parenting, promises, psycho babble, reaction, tips, transactional analysis

I have recently had the privilege to work alongside a colleague in the Coaching profession, who works with a class of students from a college (aged between 18 and 24). We did a couple of exercises with them to help them with their preparations for their careers and it was extremely rewarding to be involved. The general theme of the classes is around them discussing their issues and then proposing together some strategies and ideas to help them all move forward. In this particular industry, this co-creative learning is virtually unheard of and the challenges of competition create more of a dog-eat-dog environment.

My brief observation at the time was that for many of these young men and women, this is likely to be the first time that they have ever had to think for themselves. The general theme of most teaching of children in schools and adults in university is about how things are done and learning to do things the way they’ve always been done. (Clearly there are going to be exceptions to this.) My description at the time was that here is a class where these people can learn to become adults and independent thinkers.

I’ve been pondering on this experience and observation for a few weeks now and I’m really quite excited about the possibilities of this style of learning and how it might effect us all if we were allowed to create our own learning experience from a much younger age. In this time of prescriptive teaching, standardised testing and general pigeon-holing of our children, surely we are simply creating a generation of children who are ill-equipped to think for themselves and will simply watch TV and play on the Wii until they have to get up and go to work in order that they can be told what to do. I talk to many people who bemoan the fact that some young people starting new jobs seem unable to take initiative and get on with their work, expecting instead to be told what to do all the time. Imagine the possibilities for our world if our next generation emerged from school, college or university able to think for themselves, to challenge existing thinking and make positive marks on the world around them…

It’s not surprising that so many people consider home education or alternative schooling such as Steiner or Montessori education for their children. I have a deep respect for people who are out there enabling this kind of co-creative learning for our children and young adults and take my hat off to you for making a difference not only to the lives of the people you touch, but also to the lives of the people they touch.

Technorati Tags: children, Coaching, Creating, empowering, experience, learning, parenting

I’m not entirely sure how this game came about but I do know that we’ve been playing it with our daughter for 3 years now. It’s a really very simple bedtime game and it involves saying, “I’m grateful for…”, then finishing with something from your day or your life that you are grateful for.

In our family it has become a part of bedtime routine and is really a part of who we are as a family. The very act of being grateful focuses our minds on what is positive and beautiful in our lives. As this becomes habit, you find yourself looking out for things to be grateful for and maximizing every moment.

We also follow up with an intention, which is our place to make a commitment to an action and hold ourselves accountable to ourselves.

I’m grateful to have this opportunity to celebrate who I am every day and offer this idea to you to see if it works in your life.

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Technorati Tags: Celebrate, game, grateful, parenting

Yesterday I had the fortune to spend some time with my daughter at a play barn. While we were there I noticed a child who was around a year old and she was trying to take turns on one of the toys. Her mother immediately leapt over to her and shouted “no, be nice” and gave her a light slap on the wrist. The child didn’t cease her activity and the mother picked her up and whisked her off to one of the seats and then repeated her shouting and gave the child three further slaps on the wrist, none of which appeared to hurt the child.

Now, I’m not often judgmental and luckily this wasn’t one of the times where I was, although I had to stop myself from calling her a bully! However I was able to ask myself the question “what this child is learning from this experience?” It struck me that probably the most important thing she is learning is that it is OK to hit other people if they are being naughty. Clearly I am not saying that it is OK to hit other people, but what other lesson can she possibly have learned from this? If your carer shouts, hits or gives any abuse of verbal or physical nature, then this will be the way the world works for you and you will teach it to your children whether you like it or not.

I had visions of this child at her school in a few years time, perhaps one of her friends annoys her in some way and she immediately gives the child a slap or hits them because she has learned from her carers that that is what you do when someone is naughty. Obviously the child has much less control over the strength of her strike than the mother did. Now my next question is this:

Who has the responsibility here, further down the line in the child’s life? Is it the carers who have taught the child that it is OK to hit or slap, or is it the child’s responsibility to behave nicely as their parent is so earnestly trying to teach them?

Indeed, how far back do we take this? In some cases it is generations of parents and carers who have offered the children in their care this idea that it is OK to hit or slap… At some point we have to break this cycle, perhaps simply by becoming aware of the ideas it creates in our children and realising that we are not achieving our objective by treating them in this way. Then when we become aware, we can begin to change our behaviours and help our children to find new ways of interacting in such times.

To me, there is no sense in blaming the child, the parent or indeed any of the generations before and if I’d had my time again with this event, my question for the mother is “What is this reaction to your child’s behaviour teaching your child?” I’m not sure it would be a welcome intervention!

I’m still learning as a parent and in many ways I’m grateful for the opportunity to observe these type of things in order to discover for myself what being a parent means to me.

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Technorati Tags: Behaviour, learning, lessons, parenting

I enjoyed a wonderful conversation recently regarding the raising of children. We were discussing the fact that there are times when it is very difficult to be positive in your interactions with children, usually when the child will damage something or will create a mess.

Our autopilot often takes over and we find ourselves telling a child not to do something, which of course as any parent knows, actually serves to encourage the child to do the thing more.

In general, parents are focused to teach a child to avoid things and therefore will normally tell the child what not to do, rather than telling them what they can do.

For example, a child is playing in the bath with a pouring jug which they are happily filling up and pouring out into the bath. Then they decide to pour the water out of the bath and the parent says, “Don’t pour the water onto the floor”. This normally prompts them to continue, at which point the parent escalates the situation and either takes the jug of them, or takes them out of the bath. Of course, the parent is focused on the pouring of water onto the floor (it doesn’t matter that they are saying don’t).

To focus on the positive takes time and a change of habit - in the example, the parent could have said “Keep the water in the bath” which is focusing on what the parent wants the child to do, not on what they do not want them to do. This way of speaking to the child is much more likely to result in the bath water staying in the bath and not going on the floor. The other alternative is to say “Play nicely” or similar, though this is a little vague and will not always help, it is much more effective to actually state what you do want.

This focus on the positive is important in all aspects of life, not just in parenting. Someone who focuses mainly on what they want, or want to do, is much more likely to achieve these things than someone who focuses mainly on what they do not want to do, or what they want to avoid.

This is really just very simple goal setting: As a parent of a young child, by phrasing in the positive and focusing on what you want the child to do (not on what you do not want them to do), you are encouraging them to learn to set very good, positively focused goals; As an adult, thinking and speaking of what you do want, rather than in terms of what you don’t want, will help you set and achieve positive, effective goals.

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Technorati Tags: focus, Goals, parenting, positive thinking, thoughts