Many of my clients come to me with very little self-esteem and this question about how to build your self-esteem comes up frequently. Below I’ve listed a few ideas that can help you to begin the process of building your self-esteem up.

1. Keep a Diary. This is a really important step because if you do not have anything written down that you can refer to along the way, it’s really difficult to see how far you’ve come.
2. Ask 5 of your friends to list 5 positive qualities or things they respect or admire about you. Keep your conversation with them simple and don’t get drawn into a long conversation about what you expect from them. Simply allow them to complete the exercise however they choose. When you get the sheets back, read them a few times - you’ll be amazed!
3. Keep a “fluffy file” (or something more manly if you prefer) that contains all your feedback from no.2 as well as any letters of praise you receive or things that remind you of your positive qualities. Some people like to keep birthday cards with special messages inside. Whenever you feel low, get out your file and look through it.
4. Define the important roles in your life - such as a parent, a partner, an employee, a business owner, a son, a niece, a friend etc. It’s possible to come up with quite a long list of these roles. Once you have your list, think about each one and consider your place in each of them. How important is this role to you? What do you do well in this role? If the role affects another person, in what ways to you enrich their lives? Remember to be positive about this, if you think negative thoughts about your roles in life, then it’s not going to help your self-esteem. For some people this process can be difficult and it may be worth considering help from a life coach or other therapist.
5. Think about the following questions - it can be helpful to write down your answers and do this process every few months (at least every 6).
   • What are your strengths?
   • What have you achieved so far in your life?
   • Who in your life appreciates you?
   • What do you like about yourself?
   • What positive qualities do others see in you?
6. Read books - there are lots of great self-help books to choose from. Read the titles of them in your local bookstore and grab the first one that speaks to you.
7. Use one or some of the following affirmations - or create your own. Repeat these over and over to yourself either out loud or in your head. A good idea is to stick them to the bathroom mirror and you’ll remember to do this process when you brush your teeth morning and night.
   • I am a valuable person
   • I feel good about myself
   • I love and approve of myself
   • I am good at the things I do
   • I am a popular member of the team
8. Get help! For some people this process of building your self-esteem seems like such a hard job and a long road, that it’s just too much to begin. Ask yourself if you want to feel better about yourself. If the answer is yes, but it all seems a bit overwhelming, then contact someone who can help you. A life coach for example will help you to break it down into easy steps which don’t seem so daunting. It is also helpful to speak to someone who won’t judge you or say something like, “You should be happier in yourself” or something equally un-helpful. The people around you care about you and just want you to be happy, however their “advice” and comments are not always going to be helpful to your progress.
9. Have a long hard look in the mirror. For many people this is such a hard thing to do and they instantly find that lots of voices appear in their head saying things like, “you’re ugly” or “you’ve got a crooked nose” etc. Force yourself to stand there and understand that these voices are simply your doubts and fears surfacing. Do not allow them to take a hold of you and recognise all the beautiful things about yourself - you are unique (even if you are an identical twin) and you deserve to love yourself no matter what you look like on the outside.
10. Go on a date with yourself. Do something that you love doing - maybe it’s the theatre or the cinema or out for a meal. Yes, it’s a bit odd doing those things by yourself, but the point of this exercise is to enjoy your own company! Alternatively, you could consider going somewhere new - perhaps joining a new club - without taking your partner, family or friends along for support. This is all about you learning to love yourself and think more positively about yourself. It will stretch you out of your comfort zone into your freedom zone (for an explanation follow the link).

Remember that change takes time. You can begin to feel better about yourself immediately, however you’ll need 3-6 weeks to make this new habit stick.

Related posts: 10 Top Tips for Super-Confidence, 10 Top Tips for Assertiveness

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A quick note with the latest date for our popular Assertiveness, Confidence and Self-Esteem Courses. We’re moving to a new venue at the Derby Conference Centre on London Road, Derby.

The next workshop will be held on Saturday 21st June 2008 and you can get all the details from our Assertiveness Courses page.

You can see feedback from our most recent Assertiveness Course on our Success Stories page.

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Just a quick plug for a workshop that starts in January 2008 which will focus on building confidence and self-esteem. From my experience, this is one of the most common areas that people explore in coaching and our focus as a company is to provide workshops that will help with ideas and exercises that can help.

The first workshop is on Saturday 26th January 2008 and will be held at SoundBites in Derby. The workshop runs from 10am to 5pm and costs £40 including lunch and refreshments. You can view details and book by clicking here.

This post is also a useful time to show off the new look blog which we have now converted to WordPress for greater flexibility.

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When you are undergoing a process of change or personal development, don’t forget to take time to celebrate and reward yourself for all the great things in your life. It’s all well and good to concentrate on the areas we wish to change, but if we focus solely on them it can be de-motivating when we do not perceive change at the speed we wish.

At these times, it is a great idea to take a step back and focus on all the things you admire, respect and love about yourself. This can be challenging for some people, especially where self-esteem is one of the areas that requires work. If this is a major difficulty then find someone who you trust and ask them to write you a list of all the things that they admire, respect and love you for.

After you have done this, then write your own list of things and then spend some time every day reading the lists and feel good about yourself on a regular basis.

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A high percentage of my clients have challenges with self-confidence. In fact, it is perhaps amongst the commonest of complaints and normally comes bundled with low self-esteem and self-worth.

To become more confident can be a daunting and challenging task. Many people seek help because by default, they do not have the confidence to do it alone. There are many things that can be done to improve self-confidence and the first is to examine the reasons that self-confidence is low.

A quick exercise is to think back to a time when you felt confident. Ask yourself what were you like, what were you doing, who were you with that made you feel confident. Was this self-confidence something you took for granted at that time? If so, what was it that made you feel less confident?

For some people this will be one or two events that triggered the loss of confidence. For other people, it may be that a steady stream of events, or circumstances over time affected their confidence.

Whatever the reasons, most people in this position can remember a time in their past when they felt more confident than they currently do. If you have always felt lacking in confidence, esteem or worth and wish to make changes, then I suggest hiring a life coach or other practitioner to help you.

In order to change to a more self-confident, worthy person with high self esteem, you first of all need to “fake it ’til you make it”. There is perhaps no simpler way of beginning the task than this. Once you can think more confidently and then convince yourself you feel more confident, you will begin to act with more confidence.

There are, of course, supplemental techniques - such as NLP that can help with this process too, so read some books or hire a life coach or NLP practitioner if you want to ensure good quality improvements.

It can be very hard to move out of a place of low self-confidence and it definitely takes a serious conscious effort, however for most people the rewards that confidence brings are worth all the time and work.

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