On our confidence and assertiveness courses we frequently find that one or two people have had an extended period of absence from work, or have been out of work for some time. For these people, they describe themselves as having lost their confidence. Sometimes, they return to work and things are not how they were - sometimes processes have changed, staff have changed, or they feel like an outsider. For those who return to work after unemployment, it can feel like you’re starting right back at the bottom of the pile again. This can be hard and unexpected; especially if you are someone who is normally pretty confident.

It can be really quite difficult to regain your footing and return to work as normal. There are a few ideas below that can help you to make the transition as smooth as possible.

1. Expectations: If you have positive expectations about your return to work, this can really help you to get through the initial few days and actually can serve to settle your nerves and put you in a good frame of mind to plan how you will approach it. If you’ve already started back at work, then you can still make the decision to expect a good experience going forward. In my opinion this step is vital - if you have negative expectations (for example that it is going to be difficult) then you are unlikely to be able to think clearly enough to help yourself plan your return or your re-integration.
2.  Ask for help: The last thing you want to do is try and do everything by yourself. Find someone who you trust - either a mentor, a supportive partner, a colleague at work or even your line manager or boss. A lot of companies these days will have a return to work interview, or if you are new, will have a new starters meeting. If not, then ask for one. Use these sessions to ask for support and voice any concerns you have about your return.
3. Plan: This is something that most people overlook - they simply return to work without a plan of action and find life pretty tough. Think about the things that concern you - if it is going back to work with a team who may have gotten used to life without you, then why not organise a team get together outside work. Maybe to celebrate your return - most people will be really happy to spend some time with you and normally this takes some of the issues you’re facing away. The same can apply to a new team you are entering - why not organise something a day or so into your new role and get to know people away from work. Sometimes there may be issues with other colleagues and to find this out when you return to work can be much more difficult. If you can, organise appointments or meetings with these people and get together to discuss your concerns or your re-integration. Most of the time, people find these appointments very daunting, but their experience when they find the courage to do this, is that the people are really nice and supportive of them.
4. Employ someone to help you: A Life Coach or other therapist or specialist can really help you to put together your plan of action and talk through your fears and concerns. For some people it is an extremely daunting thing to find the confidence to return to work after an absence. Understand that you are not alone in this experience and that there are ways for you to succeed on your own, or with help of a professional.

If you are faced with this situation, then don’t enter into it without some planning up front. Find someone who will help you, either someone from work or employ a professional. Expect good things - there’s no point expecting doom and gloom otherwise that’s all you’ll find.

See also: 10 Top Tips for building Confidence

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Technorati Tags: assertiveness courses, Celebrate, Change, coach, colleague, confidence, experience, fear, frame of mind, good experience, Life, mentor, nerves, organise, Plan, supportive partner, unemployment, work

We live in a world where we expect everything now and while this can be useful, it can seriously get in the way of our growth and personal development. Change is something that takes time… sometimes it’s a life’s work. It can’t be hurried and you can’t make it happen before you are ready for it.

You can go on courses and workshops, read books, listen to audio or watch video and all this will leave you feeling profoundly different. The bottom line is that no one can force you or make you change your life. You have to be willing, be prepared to put in time and effort, and give yourself the time and space to make mistakes. Otherwise all the learning, courses, books and audio/video are a waste.

I learned several years ago that in order to successfully help people turn their lives around and achieve their goals, there has to be a strong desire and commitment to the process of change. Sometimes it can be a rough ride… stamina is a useful thing to have.

I’ve yet to meet anyone who hasn’t felt that the journey has been worth the time and effort. Even when the destination isn’t quite ideal, you learn so much along the way that it’s always worth it.

It strikes me that the main regrets people have are about opportunities they didn’t take and changes they didn’t make. Of course we make poor decisions from time to time, but there is always some good learning to take away from it. Allow this to happen without beating yourself up and you’ll soon be on the right road.

Technorati Tags: Change, change your life, decision, effort, goal, Goals, growth, journey, learning, Personal Development, poor decisions, regrets, stamina, strong desire, thoughts

Due to popular demand, I’m writing some articles over the next few weeks on assertiveness, confidence and self-esteem. This one is concerned with the art of being assertive without becoming aggressive. From my experience, the majority of people who want to be more assertive are scared to do so because they do not want to come across as aggressive. The most important thing to remember if you feel like this is that you are actually a really nice person and it’s really unlikely that some aggressive side of your character is going to appear. If you weren’t nice, you wouldn’t be bothered whether people took you as aggressive or not.

Below are 10 tips that can help you be more assertive:

1. Meet the person at their level - standing, sitting etc.
2. Speak at a similar volume to the other person, if you are trying to make a point, then it is ok to speak slightly louder - just don’t overdo it. If you are both shouting then it’s probably not going to be a great conversation - postpone it until you have both calmed down.
3. If you are not clear about what you want to say or achieve by this conversation then politely request it be undertaken at a later time or date.
4. If you can, spend some time thinking about a positive outcome for you both, before you meet with the person. Otherwise use no.3 above and use the time in between to do this. It is important not to spend too long thinking about all the possible outcomes, simply be open to the possibility of a positive outcome for both parties.
5. If you need some extra confidence, then think about your body language: steepling is a great way to feel confident… press only the tips of your fingers together in a kind of prayer position - thumb to thumb, index finger to index finger etc. There are other variations of this that you will easily find in a google search.
6. Feelings are really important - most people are capable of spotting when they are beginning to feel angry, so be aware of how you are feeling. If you notice yourself becoming angry, aggressive or even despondent, then remember you have the option to stop the conversation and continue at another time. Sometimes the clue is that your words don’t come out easily - like there is something stopping you explain yourself clearly. If you can relax and continue then that’s fantastic.
7. Saying No - if you are asked to do something that is in the future, a quick way to know your true answer is to consider what you would say if it was happening now (supposing you have the time free). For other questions or requests, remember that there is no benefit in doing something for someone if you do not have the time or skills to complete it. People respect you far more for saying a polite “I’d love to help you but I really don’t have time right now, if I get done here I’ll come and help”, than they do if you say Yes all the time and then don’t have time to deliver on your promises. Remember that people take the line of least resistance, if they find someone who will always say yes, then that person goes top of the list for everything. Think of people you know who do that and then consider what your feelings about them are… Do you want people to think that way of you?
8. Find someone who you see as Assertive and then begin to think about what it is they do that makes them come across as assertive. How do they sound, what do they say, how do they stand, etc. If appropriate, ask them what they think about it.
9. Start small and gain experience - maybe you could simply ask someone who you would not normally if they can get you a coffee from the machine etc. Small triumphs along the way are really helpful, especially if you don’t want to jump in at the deep end and go and ask your boss for a raise just yet!
10. Celebrate how far you have come - becoming assertive takes time and balance, so celebrate the achievements and the journey you have undertaken to date. Continue this process and don’t be afraid to make mistakes - if necessary you can apologise! Often the truth will help you gain the person’s trust and respect, so tell them you are learning to be assertive and any feedback is much appreciated - good or bad. You may even find you make allies in people you wouldn’t have normally turned to for help.

Ultimately, this takes time, as does any process of change. I have seen and helped many people become more assertive and find the courage to say no, when appropriate. It’s worth the hard work to feel happier about yourself and know that you can meet any situation with the right balance of assertiveness and confidence.

See also: 10 Top Tips For Becoming Super-Confident (without becoming arrogant)

Technorati Tags: aggressive side, Assertive, assertiveness, benefit, body language, Change, confidence, feelings, learning, outcome, respect, self-esteem, tips

One of the hardest things for people to come to terms with is the effect that their thinking has on their health, body and environment. I remember one particular client who had read a book called “You can heal your life” by Louise Hay; they had a really tough time coming to terms with the way that their health had been shaped and created by their thinking. I remember them telling me that at one point they had hurled the book across the room in temper. I can also remember the transformation in them once they had taken responsibility for their thinking and began to turn their life around.

Not only does the way you think show up in your body, but the way you think also shows up in your environment. If you have a cluttered desk or a cluttered house, then it is highly possible your thinking is also cluttered. A simple sort out and tidy up usually does the trick, however if it quickly gets cluttered again, then maybe there’s something else going on.

Our thinking shapes and creates our words and our actions. So if we take this beyond ourselves as individuals and consider how groups of people think - such as communities, societies, continents and even the whole world - then imagine what an impact on our global environment all this thinking has.

The way that our world and it’s environment is today, is a reflection of our collective thinking. To change the world (if indeed that is our aim) we first need to change our thinking - person by person. So like my client, who took responsibility for their thinking in order to improve their health; to change our environment and world, we need to take responsibility for our thinking, words and actions and how they affect the world we live in.

Technorati Tags: Change, effect, global environment, health, louise hay, reflection, responsibility, thinking, transformation

I find the phrase Comfort Zone to be quite a paradox. I’m yet to meet someone who is in their comfort zone who truly feels comfortable there. I’ll admit that there have been times when I’ve chosen to remain in my comfort zone, however that place to me is full of fear and uncertainty - not quite what I expect Comfort to be.

Answer me this question, “If the vast majority of people live and operate in their Comfort Zones, how come the vast majority of people are so negative and miserable?”

So why exactly is it called the Comfort Zone? Well my theory (conspiracy theorists will love this) is that it’s become known as the Comfort Zone to attract the general population to remain in that place and not rise up and reach their full potential. It certainly does the trick and we do little to dissuade people that there is more comfort, happiness and love to be found outside the comfort zone. In fact we create fear when we ask them to leave the comfort zone - they believe that they are going to be uncomfortable outside of it.

This is perhaps a time to consider changing our terminology; why not call the comfort zone the “discomfort zone” and call the outside place the “freedom zone”? We can now invite people to step into the freedom zone, the place where change is possible and our fears are overcome and diminished, and away from the discomfort zone.

To me the bottom line is that being in the comfort zone means we live in fear of not being comfortable and this paralyses people into staying put. Changing the way we describe these zones will create a new sense of identity with them for most people. I’d be willing to bet that most people would prefer to be in a freedom zone than a discomfort zone.

So, if you wish, I’d encourage you to step into your Freedom Zone and leave behind your discomfort zone.

Technorati Tags: being, Change, comfort zone, conspiracy theorists, discomfort, fear, freedom zone, happiness, love, population