On our confidence and assertiveness courses we frequently find that one or two people have had an extended period of absence from work, or have been out of work for some time. For these people, they describe themselves as having lost their confidence. Sometimes, they return to work and things are not how they were - sometimes processes have changed, staff have changed, or they feel like an outsider. For those who return to work after unemployment, it can feel like you’re starting right back at the bottom of the pile again. This can be hard and unexpected; especially if you are someone who is normally pretty confident.

It can be really quite difficult to regain your footing and return to work as normal. There are a few ideas below that can help you to make the transition as smooth as possible.

1. Expectations: If you have positive expectations about your return to work, this can really help you to get through the initial few days and actually can serve to settle your nerves and put you in a good frame of mind to plan how you will approach it. If you’ve already started back at work, then you can still make the decision to expect a good experience going forward. In my opinion this step is vital - if you have negative expectations (for example that it is going to be difficult) then you are unlikely to be able to think clearly enough to help yourself plan your return or your re-integration.
2.  Ask for help: The last thing you want to do is try and do everything by yourself. Find someone who you trust - either a mentor, a supportive partner, a colleague at work or even your line manager or boss. A lot of companies these days will have a return to work interview, or if you are new, will have a new starters meeting. If not, then ask for one. Use these sessions to ask for support and voice any concerns you have about your return.
3. Plan: This is something that most people overlook - they simply return to work without a plan of action and find life pretty tough. Think about the things that concern you - if it is going back to work with a team who may have gotten used to life without you, then why not organise a team get together outside work. Maybe to celebrate your return - most people will be really happy to spend some time with you and normally this takes some of the issues you’re facing away. The same can apply to a new team you are entering - why not organise something a day or so into your new role and get to know people away from work. Sometimes there may be issues with other colleagues and to find this out when you return to work can be much more difficult. If you can, organise appointments or meetings with these people and get together to discuss your concerns or your re-integration. Most of the time, people find these appointments very daunting, but their experience when they find the courage to do this, is that the people are really nice and supportive of them.
4. Employ someone to help you: A Life Coach or other therapist or specialist can really help you to put together your plan of action and talk through your fears and concerns. For some people it is an extremely daunting thing to find the confidence to return to work after an absence. Understand that you are not alone in this experience and that there are ways for you to succeed on your own, or with help of a professional.

If you are faced with this situation, then don’t enter into it without some planning up front. Find someone who will help you, either someone from work or employ a professional. Expect good things - there’s no point expecting doom and gloom otherwise that’s all you’ll find.

See also: 10 Top Tips for building Confidence

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Technorati Tags: assertiveness courses, Celebrate, Change, coach, colleague, confidence, experience, fear, frame of mind, good experience, Life, mentor, nerves, organise, Plan, supportive partner, unemployment, work

Following the theme of my popular post 10 Top Tips for Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive here are my 10 top tips for becoming super-confident (without becoming arrogant).

Many of my clients have becoming more confident on their list of reasons for wanting my life coaching services. For most of them, they can remember a time in their lives where they felt confident, but then life gave them a few knocks, or they met someone (boss, partner, etc) who dominated them and then before they new it they’d lost all the confidence they ever had.

The 10 tips below are all ways in which you can move towards being super-confident, but helping you to remain a nice person and keep all your friends and family!

1. Body Language: In the post 10 Top Tips for Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive I mentioned something called steepling, which is where you press only the tips of your fingers together in a prayer position. You can google a search for this for more details. Also in body language, it’s really important how you stand or sit. The “typical” position for standing involves: having your feet slightly apart toes pointing outwards slightly; your back straight, shoulders relaxed and back and head held high. Then we get to the hands - in confidence stances these are the most difficult! My preferred way is to have my fingers in my pockets with my thumbs showing, or you can hook your thumb in your pocket and have your fingers out. If you do not have pockets, then try holding one hand with the other behind your back - you’ll notice the Royal Family tend to do this as they roam about meeting people. Bear in mind that some cultures have different body language meanings… A wonderful resource for this is “The Definitive Book of Body Language” by Allan and Barbara Pease. The thing about using body language in this way is that it can help you to feel confident just by changing your posture.
2. Looking people in the eyes is a great way to appear confident. For most un-confident people this is incredibly difficult to do - for fear of over-staring. The best way to do this is to look from one eye to the other then down to the mouth then back to the first eye (a triangle). It’s a way of preventing yourself staring at people. More details again in the Allan and Barbara Pease book.
3. For many people their lack of confidence comes from a lack of self-esteem. How you feel about yourself can restrict your ability to be confident. Ways to improve this will be covered in a future article, which I’ll link to here. As well as these, you can begin to build your self-esteem by asking 5 people who know you to write down 5 positive qualities they see in you. To make up your 5, pick at least 1 from each of the following: friends, family, work colleagues/business contacts - e.g. 1 friend, 2 family, 2 work colleagues. Explain only that you would like 5 positive qualities from them, there is no need to go into any detail beyond that. The beauty of this exercise is that the people you ask can do whatever they want to and you’ll be surprised by what comes back! People often recognise qualities in you that you will never see or acknowledge yourself.
4. Affirmations can really help to build your confidence - these are mantras that you repeat to yourself over and over again. Here are some examples:
   • I am a strong, confident person
   • I am confident when meeting new people
   • I am cool, calm and confident when under pressure

   The important features of affirmations are that they are written in the present tense (if you start with “I am” you’ll be on the right track); they are phrased positively - words like not and don’t have no place in affirmations; they are written in your own words - if you find a good affirmation from someone else, phrase it in your own way. If you want feedback on your affirmations, then leave me a comment and I’ll reply with my thoughts. The best way to use your affirmations is to write them down (have a maximum of 3 on the go at any time) and stick them to the bathroom mirror. That way, when you clean your teeth morning and night, you can read them and repeat them to yourself. Aim for about 20 repetitions of each one, it’s better if you speak them, but that can be difficult if you have a toothbrush in your mouth. In the beginning they will feel like a lie, but after about 3-6 weeks, you will begin to notice that you are believing these thoughts about yourself.

5. Find people you think of as confident and begin to notice things about them, such as how they stand or how they speak. Are these things you can copy and begin to implement to build your confidence? If you get chance, ask them what they think about their confidence - some of these people will think they are not that confident! Ask them what they think about your confidence, do they have any advice that can help you? There are very few people who will not help you if you ask them - most people love to give their opinion too.
6. Speak more loudly - obviously don’t shout! For some people speaking more slowly can help - especially if you are prone to mumbling. If you are doing public speaking though, it can help you to speak loudly and a little bit quicker - it makes you seem excited about your subject. Consider the pitch and tone of your voice - if you have access to record yourself speaking with friends you’ll have a better idea of how loud you are and what you sound like. Perhaps consider getting feedback from someone you trust. It takes time to change these things, but it’s really worth it.
7. Be mindful of your feelings - if you notice that you don’t feel confident or you feel frightened then ask yourself, “what is making me feel this way?” Usually, there is some really good personal learning from this exercise. If you get no response, then a great way to break out of this feeling and feel more confident is to…
8. Fake it Til You Make It! This is vital - in order for you to change your confidence levels, you are going to have to do a fair bit of this. The previous tips will help you with this - you can take huge strides forward by observing your body language and tone of voice. At first all of this seems contrived and your affirmations will feel like a lie. If you can spend about 3 weeks making these changes you will begin to see changes in the way people around you react to you. When you seem confident, people will take you more seriously, will be more inclined to listen to what you have to say and may even approach you for your opinion or advice. It’s important to realise that most people fake it til they make it all the time. Most seemingly confident people have their own concerns about confidence, however they instinctively use this process to get them through tricky situations etc. As we begin to speak and act confidently, even if we don’t feel it, the brain will eventually catch up and begin to think confidently, you’ll start to feel confident and then you’re really on your way to being super-confident.
9. Start with easy stuff - get some confidence that you can improve your confidence. Don’t suddenly decide you are going to do some public speaking straight away - that may work, but chances are it’ll put you off for life. How about first of all you make a point in a meeting in front of your colleagues? A challenge I personally use is to try and speak to someone every day who I don’t know. If you do this a lot at work, then make a point of doing this outside of work. This is a great way to improve your confidence in talking with people - and practising small talk.
10. Set some realistic timescales - don’t expect to change your world over night. You’ve spent a long time feeling low in confidence and this isn’t going to happen tomorrow. If you can stick to a process of change and use these tips, you’ll find that after a few months you’re doing things that today, you don’t believe you can ever do. Every few weeks, celebrate how far you have come along your journey and re-evaluate your goals.

It can be hard work making these changes, especially if you have little confidence. I’d recommend to those people that you find someone who can help you as you grow and change - there is a lot to be said for finding someone who can believe in you until you can believe in yourself. In the long run, the journey will not seem as hard as you thought it would be. Remember that confident people are not normally arrogant, although that is certainly a consideration. If you are a nice person, there is little chance that your new found confidence will lead people to think any less of you.

Technorati Tags: Allan Pease, Assertive, Barbara Pease, body language, Celebrate, confidence, fear, feelings, goal, journey, self-esteem, thoughts, tips

I was thinking recently about the day that I finished working and moved into the world of being my own boss. I can remember the feelings well: excitement, fear, uncertainty and joy. I was taking a chance on something that I really believed in and although things didn’t move in the direction I had planned, I have never had any regrets over the decision. Indeed, had that decision been avoided or not taken, then I would not be the person who I am today.

I meet a considerable amount of people in my work who are in the position of making these kinds of decisions. Time and time again, once all the research and planning is complete, it comes down to a decision based on strength of belief and a gut feeling. I have never encountered anyone who has made a decision from this place who has ever regretted it. Even if things don’t work out, the learnings and understandings that come as a result of their decision are worth so much more than if they had chosen to do nothing.

Time and time again, people overcome their fears and step into the unknown and flourish. The people who don’t take chances very often find themselves looking back and wondering what might have been. For me that decision was one of the major points in my life and if I do catch myself looking back, it’s in joy and gratitude that I made that decision.

I’m certainly not encouraging impulsive or rash decisions; if you’re in this position then it’s usually a great idea to get some help - obviously I’m going to recommend life coaching now, but there are many ways of getting help and exploring these ideas. The people around you are often a great resource, although sometimes they are a little biased or protective because they care and do not want to see you fail or be hurt.

Technorati Tags: belief, decision, excitement, fear, fears, gratitude, gut feeling, learnings, Life Coaching, rash decisions, regrets, taking a chance, taking chances, uncertainty

I find the phrase Comfort Zone to be quite a paradox. I’m yet to meet someone who is in their comfort zone who truly feels comfortable there. I’ll admit that there have been times when I’ve chosen to remain in my comfort zone, however that place to me is full of fear and uncertainty - not quite what I expect Comfort to be.

Answer me this question, “If the vast majority of people live and operate in their Comfort Zones, how come the vast majority of people are so negative and miserable?”

So why exactly is it called the Comfort Zone? Well my theory (conspiracy theorists will love this) is that it’s become known as the Comfort Zone to attract the general population to remain in that place and not rise up and reach their full potential. It certainly does the trick and we do little to dissuade people that there is more comfort, happiness and love to be found outside the comfort zone. In fact we create fear when we ask them to leave the comfort zone - they believe that they are going to be uncomfortable outside of it.

This is perhaps a time to consider changing our terminology; why not call the comfort zone the “discomfort zone” and call the outside place the “freedom zone”? We can now invite people to step into the freedom zone, the place where change is possible and our fears are overcome and diminished, and away from the discomfort zone.

To me the bottom line is that being in the comfort zone means we live in fear of not being comfortable and this paralyses people into staying put. Changing the way we describe these zones will create a new sense of identity with them for most people. I’d be willing to bet that most people would prefer to be in a freedom zone than a discomfort zone.

So, if you wish, I’d encourage you to step into your Freedom Zone and leave behind your discomfort zone.

Technorati Tags: being, Change, comfort zone, conspiracy theorists, discomfort, fear, freedom zone, happiness, love, population

Here’s an interesting question that I came across quite by accident the other day. How do fears change with age? My initial reaction was that they don’t, although I feel that was just the quickest answer I could come up with at the time. I’ve been wrangling with this one since then and it will be really interesting to get some feedback and answers to this question from others.

The coach and self-improvement junkie in me really wants to say that fears increase or decrease only through our thoughts and feelings about them. People have considerably different approaches to their fears and although there are not many people who you’ll find who can genuinely say they do not fear anything, there are a good many who are able to overcome their fears. I guess the question of age relates to our fears changing as we approach the mid to late stages of our life. Is it possible then that this can be linked to our aging body and perhaps a perceived frailty that that brings?

An answer to this question “how do fears change with age” is not truly complete without looking at the whole of the life-cycle. When we are born, our fears and concerns are around milk, warmth, close contact with people etc. As we grow, our fears evolve as we are subjected to the fears of our parents, carers, teachers and other people who have responsibility for our welfare. These childhood fears are further enhanced by the media around us and our relative lack of ability to understand the world around us (compared to the adult mind).

Next, for most of us, our fears surround work, money, relationships, children, family etc. Then they swiftly move onto growing old and this issue of frailty and being cared for in our twilight years. I suppose for most of us, there is a fear of death throughout our lives, which may increase as we get older and it becomes more imminent.

I genuinely believe that the majority of our fears can be understood and overcome and although I am not yet old enough to know, my hope is that my own experience of fear will continue to lessen as I get older and understand myself better. To me, fear becomes a major issue when it is not understood, or it is not faced or challenged in anyway. I really am looking forward to your thoughts on this, please feel free to comment.

Technorati Tags: children, family, fear, growing old, money, relationships, thoughts, work