Dealing with aggressive and angry people can be a daunting prospect for many of us. Some people have such a hard time asserting themselves that they become very passive.

One of the easiest ways to deal with someone who is displaying aggressive or angry behaviour is to identify their emotion to them. I find it helpful to use their name also.

e.g. “John, you seem really angry about this” or “Sally, I can see that you’re really angry about this” - don’t add any comebacks, defenses or buts to this.

You’ll either find they back down and sometimes they will apologise for their behaviour; or they will agree with you, but because they feel understood, they are likely to calm down and enter into a discussion.

In the times where they remain in their aggressive or angry state, it is often best to explain that you can’t deal with them at this time.

The main thing is to remain calm and not retaliate. Try to understand their feelings and you will have a better chance of getting to the point where you can talk adult to adult. If it’s clear you are not going to get anywhere then take time-out and meet up later.

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Technorati Tags: Angry People, Better Chance, Buts, Emotion, feelings, Hard Time, Sally

Following the theme of my popular post 10 Top Tips for Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive here are my 10 top tips for becoming super-confident (without becoming arrogant).

Many of my clients have becoming more confident on their list of reasons for wanting my life coaching services. For most of them, they can remember a time in their lives where they felt confident, but then life gave them a few knocks, or they met someone (boss, partner, etc) who dominated them and then before they new it they’d lost all the confidence they ever had.

The 10 tips below are all ways in which you can move towards being super-confident, but helping you to remain a nice person and keep all your friends and family!

1. Body Language: In the post 10 Top Tips for Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive I mentioned something called steepling, which is where you press only the tips of your fingers together in a prayer position. You can google a search for this for more details. Also in body language, it’s really important how you stand or sit. The “typical” position for standing involves: having your feet slightly apart toes pointing outwards slightly; your back straight, shoulders relaxed and back and head held high. Then we get to the hands - in confidence stances these are the most difficult! My preferred way is to have my fingers in my pockets with my thumbs showing, or you can hook your thumb in your pocket and have your fingers out. If you do not have pockets, then try holding one hand with the other behind your back - you’ll notice the Royal Family tend to do this as they roam about meeting people. Bear in mind that some cultures have different body language meanings… A wonderful resource for this is “The Definitive Book of Body Language” by Allan and Barbara Pease. The thing about using body language in this way is that it can help you to feel confident just by changing your posture.
2. Looking people in the eyes is a great way to appear confident. For most un-confident people this is incredibly difficult to do - for fear of over-staring. The best way to do this is to look from one eye to the other then down to the mouth then back to the first eye (a triangle). It’s a way of preventing yourself staring at people. More details again in the Allan and Barbara Pease book.
3. For many people their lack of confidence comes from a lack of self-esteem. How you feel about yourself can restrict your ability to be confident. Ways to improve this will be covered in a future article, which I’ll link to here. As well as these, you can begin to build your self-esteem by asking 5 people who know you to write down 5 positive qualities they see in you. To make up your 5, pick at least 1 from each of the following: friends, family, work colleagues/business contacts - e.g. 1 friend, 2 family, 2 work colleagues. Explain only that you would like 5 positive qualities from them, there is no need to go into any detail beyond that. The beauty of this exercise is that the people you ask can do whatever they want to and you’ll be surprised by what comes back! People often recognise qualities in you that you will never see or acknowledge yourself.
4. Affirmations can really help to build your confidence - these are mantras that you repeat to yourself over and over again. Here are some examples:
   • I am a strong, confident person
   • I am confident when meeting new people
   • I am cool, calm and confident when under pressure

   The important features of affirmations are that they are written in the present tense (if you start with “I am” you’ll be on the right track); they are phrased positively - words like not and don’t have no place in affirmations; they are written in your own words - if you find a good affirmation from someone else, phrase it in your own way. If you want feedback on your affirmations, then leave me a comment and I’ll reply with my thoughts. The best way to use your affirmations is to write them down (have a maximum of 3 on the go at any time) and stick them to the bathroom mirror. That way, when you clean your teeth morning and night, you can read them and repeat them to yourself. Aim for about 20 repetitions of each one, it’s better if you speak them, but that can be difficult if you have a toothbrush in your mouth. In the beginning they will feel like a lie, but after about 3-6 weeks, you will begin to notice that you are believing these thoughts about yourself.

5. Find people you think of as confident and begin to notice things about them, such as how they stand or how they speak. Are these things you can copy and begin to implement to build your confidence? If you get chance, ask them what they think about their confidence - some of these people will think they are not that confident! Ask them what they think about your confidence, do they have any advice that can help you? There are very few people who will not help you if you ask them - most people love to give their opinion too.
6. Speak more loudly - obviously don’t shout! For some people speaking more slowly can help - especially if you are prone to mumbling. If you are doing public speaking though, it can help you to speak loudly and a little bit quicker - it makes you seem excited about your subject. Consider the pitch and tone of your voice - if you have access to record yourself speaking with friends you’ll have a better idea of how loud you are and what you sound like. Perhaps consider getting feedback from someone you trust. It takes time to change these things, but it’s really worth it.
7. Be mindful of your feelings - if you notice that you don’t feel confident or you feel frightened then ask yourself, “what is making me feel this way?” Usually, there is some really good personal learning from this exercise. If you get no response, then a great way to break out of this feeling and feel more confident is to…
8. Fake it Til You Make It! This is vital - in order for you to change your confidence levels, you are going to have to do a fair bit of this. The previous tips will help you with this - you can take huge strides forward by observing your body language and tone of voice. At first all of this seems contrived and your affirmations will feel like a lie. If you can spend about 3 weeks making these changes you will begin to see changes in the way people around you react to you. When you seem confident, people will take you more seriously, will be more inclined to listen to what you have to say and may even approach you for your opinion or advice. It’s important to realise that most people fake it til they make it all the time. Most seemingly confident people have their own concerns about confidence, however they instinctively use this process to get them through tricky situations etc. As we begin to speak and act confidently, even if we don’t feel it, the brain will eventually catch up and begin to think confidently, you’ll start to feel confident and then you’re really on your way to being super-confident.
9. Start with easy stuff - get some confidence that you can improve your confidence. Don’t suddenly decide you are going to do some public speaking straight away - that may work, but chances are it’ll put you off for life. How about first of all you make a point in a meeting in front of your colleagues? A challenge I personally use is to try and speak to someone every day who I don’t know. If you do this a lot at work, then make a point of doing this outside of work. This is a great way to improve your confidence in talking with people - and practising small talk.
10. Set some realistic timescales - don’t expect to change your world over night. You’ve spent a long time feeling low in confidence and this isn’t going to happen tomorrow. If you can stick to a process of change and use these tips, you’ll find that after a few months you’re doing things that today, you don’t believe you can ever do. Every few weeks, celebrate how far you have come along your journey and re-evaluate your goals.

It can be hard work making these changes, especially if you have little confidence. I’d recommend to those people that you find someone who can help you as you grow and change - there is a lot to be said for finding someone who can believe in you until you can believe in yourself. In the long run, the journey will not seem as hard as you thought it would be. Remember that confident people are not normally arrogant, although that is certainly a consideration. If you are a nice person, there is little chance that your new found confidence will lead people to think any less of you.

Technorati Tags: Allan Pease, Assertive, Barbara Pease, body language, Celebrate, confidence, fear, feelings, goal, journey, self-esteem, thoughts, tips

Due to popular demand, I’m writing some articles over the next few weeks on assertiveness, confidence and self-esteem. This one is concerned with the art of being assertive without becoming aggressive. From my experience, the majority of people who want to be more assertive are scared to do so because they do not want to come across as aggressive. The most important thing to remember if you feel like this is that you are actually a really nice person and it’s really unlikely that some aggressive side of your character is going to appear. If you weren’t nice, you wouldn’t be bothered whether people took you as aggressive or not.

Below are 10 tips that can help you be more assertive:

1. Meet the person at their level - standing, sitting etc.
2. Speak at a similar volume to the other person, if you are trying to make a point, then it is ok to speak slightly louder - just don’t overdo it. If you are both shouting then it’s probably not going to be a great conversation - postpone it until you have both calmed down.
3. If you are not clear about what you want to say or achieve by this conversation then politely request it be undertaken at a later time or date.
4. If you can, spend some time thinking about a positive outcome for you both, before you meet with the person. Otherwise use no.3 above and use the time in between to do this. It is important not to spend too long thinking about all the possible outcomes, simply be open to the possibility of a positive outcome for both parties.
5. If you need some extra confidence, then think about your body language: steepling is a great way to feel confident… press only the tips of your fingers together in a kind of prayer position - thumb to thumb, index finger to index finger etc. There are other variations of this that you will easily find in a google search.
6. Feelings are really important - most people are capable of spotting when they are beginning to feel angry, so be aware of how you are feeling. If you notice yourself becoming angry, aggressive or even despondent, then remember you have the option to stop the conversation and continue at another time. Sometimes the clue is that your words don’t come out easily - like there is something stopping you explain yourself clearly. If you can relax and continue then that’s fantastic.
7. Saying No - if you are asked to do something that is in the future, a quick way to know your true answer is to consider what you would say if it was happening now (supposing you have the time free). For other questions or requests, remember that there is no benefit in doing something for someone if you do not have the time or skills to complete it. People respect you far more for saying a polite “I’d love to help you but I really don’t have time right now, if I get done here I’ll come and help”, than they do if you say Yes all the time and then don’t have time to deliver on your promises. Remember that people take the line of least resistance, if they find someone who will always say yes, then that person goes top of the list for everything. Think of people you know who do that and then consider what your feelings about them are… Do you want people to think that way of you?
8. Find someone who you see as Assertive and then begin to think about what it is they do that makes them come across as assertive. How do they sound, what do they say, how do they stand, etc. If appropriate, ask them what they think about it.
9. Start small and gain experience - maybe you could simply ask someone who you would not normally if they can get you a coffee from the machine etc. Small triumphs along the way are really helpful, especially if you don’t want to jump in at the deep end and go and ask your boss for a raise just yet!
10. Celebrate how far you have come - becoming assertive takes time and balance, so celebrate the achievements and the journey you have undertaken to date. Continue this process and don’t be afraid to make mistakes - if necessary you can apologise! Often the truth will help you gain the person’s trust and respect, so tell them you are learning to be assertive and any feedback is much appreciated - good or bad. You may even find you make allies in people you wouldn’t have normally turned to for help.

Ultimately, this takes time, as does any process of change. I have seen and helped many people become more assertive and find the courage to say no, when appropriate. It’s worth the hard work to feel happier about yourself and know that you can meet any situation with the right balance of assertiveness and confidence.

See also: 10 Top Tips For Becoming Super-Confident (without becoming arrogant)

Technorati Tags: aggressive side, Assertive, assertiveness, benefit, body language, Change, confidence, feelings, learning, outcome, respect, self-esteem, tips

One of the biggest challenges we face when we undergo a process of change is the effect that this has on our friends, families and work colleagues. There is a status quo that we have established over the years that resists the changes we make and this often means that the change is short-lived. In order to make lasting change, you have to change your thinking. This does not normally happen overnight, although it is possible and the time in between the old thinking and the new thinking can be a rough ride.

Sometimes it can be enough to simply be aware that you are going to meet this resistance so that you can prepare and do everything you can to stay on track. Once the people around you have accepted the change, they will begin to adapt to the new you and you can make the changes permanent.

Other times, especially if the changes you are making are quite different from your normal way of being, you will need a plan to help you stay on track. It can also be useful to have someone to make the journey with, perhaps a partner, friend or life coach. What will the plan be? For most people, setting plans is not second nature, however if you are good at setting goals and plans, then you’ll have your own approach which may work best for you. So let’s look at some elements of a plan of personal change or growth.

The first step is to establish a timescale - think about the size of your task and then put a date on your achieving this new thinking. Next, break down the plan into easy to manage steps. The most effective plans I’ve ever seen are the most simple and they generally have daily elements that the person cannot make any excuse to not do. Run it through with someone who can give you an idea if your timescale and elements seem sound.

One of the most important things that will help you to succeed and get through the period where you will experience resistance is having a way of monitoring your progress. The simplest way of doing this is to keep a diary of your feelings and experiences as you begin and then everyday or every few days as you progress towards your goal. The advantage is that you can read through this whenever you feel like it’s not working out and you’ll easily see how far you have come and be motivated again towards the new thinking and the new you.

Another simple tip is to identify areas and people where there are extreme reactions and deal with them. Have a chat with them face to face and explain your new behaviours and allow them to express how it is making them feel. To ignore this and allow the anger, resentment, sadness, guilt and other negative emotions to exist between you is likely to mean the end of the relationship. Most people will understand your reasons for changing and will find their own way to deal with that, provided they understand what is going on for you.

Making major life changes and undergoing personal development and growth is a process that takes commitment, perseverance and focus. The end result is worth the challenges, the upheavals and the stretch of your relationships - in the end you will be stronger and so will your relationships.

Technorati Tags: Behaviour, Change, coach, Creating, diary, experience, feelings, focus, goal, Goals, growth, journey, partner, Personal Development, Plan, reaction

One of the most important components of dreams, goals and the Law of Attraction is visualisation. Most people understand the basic concept of picturing that which they want in their mind. It is not a new concept, but it has certainly reached more people since the release of the film The Secret. It’s well discussed there and in numerous other books, articles, dvds etc. More information and resources can be found by clicking this link to Amazon - The Secret at Amazon

The thing to remember is that in order to take this tool to its fullest potential in your life, you need to create not only images in your mind. The extra ingredients of feelings, emotions, sounds and any other senses you can include, creates a more powerful visualisation and with it a more powerful link between you and that which you want. The more real the reality in your head, the more real the reality in your life will become.

This is not a tool simply to create money or objects in your life, you can use this to define who you are. For instance, if you lack confidence, then visualising yourself as confident, picturing what you are doing, how you look, how you sound, how you feel and as much detail as possible, is a fantastic way to increase your confidence. Spend time every day thinking about this and including these extra details into your mental images. In fact for some people, they find mental images challenging, but can easily create a sense or a feeling in their minds - for these people, work on your mental images. It is important to practice and above all, have fun with this. Once you believe it in your mind, you can see, feel, hear, smell and even taste it, you will know deep down that this will be your reality. You are on the road to success in whatever you want - enjoy the journey!

Technorati Tags: Attraction, confidence, dreams, feelings, Goals, how, journey, joy, lack, law of attraction, mental images, money, success, visualisation, work