Following the theme of my popular post 10 Top Tips for Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive here are my 10 top tips for becoming super-confident (without becoming arrogant).

Many of my clients have becoming more confident on their list of reasons for wanting my life coaching services. For most of them, they can remember a time in their lives where they felt confident, but then life gave them a few knocks, or they met someone (boss, partner, etc) who dominated them and then before they new it they’d lost all the confidence they ever had.

The 10 tips below are all ways in which you can move towards being super-confident, but helping you to remain a nice person and keep all your friends and family!

1. Body Language: In the post 10 Top Tips for Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive I mentioned something called steepling, which is where you press only the tips of your fingers together in a prayer position. You can google a search for this for more details. Also in body language, it’s really important how you stand or sit. The “typical” position for standing involves: having your feet slightly apart toes pointing outwards slightly; your back straight, shoulders relaxed and back and head held high. Then we get to the hands - in confidence stances these are the most difficult! My preferred way is to have my fingers in my pockets with my thumbs showing, or you can hook your thumb in your pocket and have your fingers out. If you do not have pockets, then try holding one hand with the other behind your back - you’ll notice the Royal Family tend to do this as they roam about meeting people. Bear in mind that some cultures have different body language meanings… A wonderful resource for this is “The Definitive Book of Body Language” by Allan and Barbara Pease. The thing about using body language in this way is that it can help you to feel confident just by changing your posture.
2. Looking people in the eyes is a great way to appear confident. For most un-confident people this is incredibly difficult to do - for fear of over-staring. The best way to do this is to look from one eye to the other then down to the mouth then back to the first eye (a triangle). It’s a way of preventing yourself staring at people. More details again in the Allan and Barbara Pease book.
3. For many people their lack of confidence comes from a lack of self-esteem. How you feel about yourself can restrict your ability to be confident. Ways to improve this will be covered in a future article, which I’ll link to here. As well as these, you can begin to build your self-esteem by asking 5 people who know you to write down 5 positive qualities they see in you. To make up your 5, pick at least 1 from each of the following: friends, family, work colleagues/business contacts - e.g. 1 friend, 2 family, 2 work colleagues. Explain only that you would like 5 positive qualities from them, there is no need to go into any detail beyond that. The beauty of this exercise is that the people you ask can do whatever they want to and you’ll be surprised by what comes back! People often recognise qualities in you that you will never see or acknowledge yourself.
4. Affirmations can really help to build your confidence - these are mantras that you repeat to yourself over and over again. Here are some examples:
   • I am a strong, confident person
   • I am confident when meeting new people
   • I am cool, calm and confident when under pressure

   The important features of affirmations are that they are written in the present tense (if you start with “I am” you’ll be on the right track); they are phrased positively - words like not and don’t have no place in affirmations; they are written in your own words - if you find a good affirmation from someone else, phrase it in your own way. If you want feedback on your affirmations, then leave me a comment and I’ll reply with my thoughts. The best way to use your affirmations is to write them down (have a maximum of 3 on the go at any time) and stick them to the bathroom mirror. That way, when you clean your teeth morning and night, you can read them and repeat them to yourself. Aim for about 20 repetitions of each one, it’s better if you speak them, but that can be difficult if you have a toothbrush in your mouth. In the beginning they will feel like a lie, but after about 3-6 weeks, you will begin to notice that you are believing these thoughts about yourself.

5. Find people you think of as confident and begin to notice things about them, such as how they stand or how they speak. Are these things you can copy and begin to implement to build your confidence? If you get chance, ask them what they think about their confidence - some of these people will think they are not that confident! Ask them what they think about your confidence, do they have any advice that can help you? There are very few people who will not help you if you ask them - most people love to give their opinion too.
6. Speak more loudly - obviously don’t shout! For some people speaking more slowly can help - especially if you are prone to mumbling. If you are doing public speaking though, it can help you to speak loudly and a little bit quicker - it makes you seem excited about your subject. Consider the pitch and tone of your voice - if you have access to record yourself speaking with friends you’ll have a better idea of how loud you are and what you sound like. Perhaps consider getting feedback from someone you trust. It takes time to change these things, but it’s really worth it.
7. Be mindful of your feelings - if you notice that you don’t feel confident or you feel frightened then ask yourself, “what is making me feel this way?” Usually, there is some really good personal learning from this exercise. If you get no response, then a great way to break out of this feeling and feel more confident is to…
8. Fake it Til You Make It! This is vital - in order for you to change your confidence levels, you are going to have to do a fair bit of this. The previous tips will help you with this - you can take huge strides forward by observing your body language and tone of voice. At first all of this seems contrived and your affirmations will feel like a lie. If you can spend about 3 weeks making these changes you will begin to see changes in the way people around you react to you. When you seem confident, people will take you more seriously, will be more inclined to listen to what you have to say and may even approach you for your opinion or advice. It’s important to realise that most people fake it til they make it all the time. Most seemingly confident people have their own concerns about confidence, however they instinctively use this process to get them through tricky situations etc. As we begin to speak and act confidently, even if we don’t feel it, the brain will eventually catch up and begin to think confidently, you’ll start to feel confident and then you’re really on your way to being super-confident.
9. Start with easy stuff - get some confidence that you can improve your confidence. Don’t suddenly decide you are going to do some public speaking straight away - that may work, but chances are it’ll put you off for life. How about first of all you make a point in a meeting in front of your colleagues? A challenge I personally use is to try and speak to someone every day who I don’t know. If you do this a lot at work, then make a point of doing this outside of work. This is a great way to improve your confidence in talking with people - and practising small talk.
10. Set some realistic timescales - don’t expect to change your world over night. You’ve spent a long time feeling low in confidence and this isn’t going to happen tomorrow. If you can stick to a process of change and use these tips, you’ll find that after a few months you’re doing things that today, you don’t believe you can ever do. Every few weeks, celebrate how far you have come along your journey and re-evaluate your goals.

It can be hard work making these changes, especially if you have little confidence. I’d recommend to those people that you find someone who can help you as you grow and change - there is a lot to be said for finding someone who can believe in you until you can believe in yourself. In the long run, the journey will not seem as hard as you thought it would be. Remember that confident people are not normally arrogant, although that is certainly a consideration. If you are a nice person, there is little chance that your new found confidence will lead people to think any less of you.

Subscribe by feedburner email.

Technorati Tags: Allan Pease, Assertive, Barbara Pease, body language, Celebrate, confidence, fear, feelings, goal, journey, self-esteem, thoughts, tips

We live in a world where we expect everything now and while this can be useful, it can seriously get in the way of our growth and personal development. Change is something that takes time… sometimes it’s a life’s work. It can’t be hurried and you can’t make it happen before you are ready for it.

You can go on courses and workshops, read books, listen to audio or watch video and all this will leave you feeling profoundly different. The bottom line is that no one can force you or make you change your life. You have to be willing, be prepared to put in time and effort, and give yourself the time and space to make mistakes. Otherwise all the learning, courses, books and audio/video are a waste.

I learned several years ago that in order to successfully help people turn their lives around and achieve their goals, there has to be a strong desire and commitment to the process of change. Sometimes it can be a rough ride… stamina is a useful thing to have.

I’ve yet to meet anyone who hasn’t felt that the journey has been worth the time and effort. Even when the destination isn’t quite ideal, you learn so much along the way that it’s always worth it.

It strikes me that the main regrets people have are about opportunities they didn’t take and changes they didn’t make. Of course we make poor decisions from time to time, but there is always some good learning to take away from it. Allow this to happen without beating yourself up and you’ll soon be on the right road.

Technorati Tags: Change, change your life, decision, effort, goal, Goals, growth, journey, learning, Personal Development, poor decisions, regrets, stamina, strong desire, thoughts

I’ve just been adding a few appointments to the diary for next week and I was thinking that as it’s Thursday that we’re nearing the end of the week. It was then that I noticed that actually Thursday is the middle of the week (Monday to Sunday) and there is still almost half a week left of this one. It strikes me that perhaps time is the only thing we treat in this way… for example there are not many people who get half way through a drink and think that they are nearing the end of it!

It’s so easy for us to slip into the trap of living from our free time to our next free time (for most, weekend to weekend) that we forget about the moment. Work occupies so much of our lives and for the vast majority of people, there is no excitement or will to be working. I feel privileged to be doing something that I love, to the point that it no longer feels like work. So for most, there are 5 days of 7 spent dealing (and accumulating stress) with something that enables us to have 2 days that we can call our own. To me it seems as though this is a really sorry state of affairs and one that can be really helped by a shift in attitude.

I’m always banging on about how we need dreams and goals in our lives to make sense and meaning out of the work that we do and I guess that’s one way to help us to remain present and focused during the times we spend at work.  If you find yourself in this space of living from precious weekend to precious weekend, with the inconvenience of work in between then the chances are that you do not have personal goals in place to be working towards. It becomes too easy to be tired when you get home and even bring work home to the point where you have neither the time nor energy to do anything in your free time. I suppose this is what is called the daily grind!

In the absence of finding what you love to do for a living, then find what you love to do in your spare time and use your living to fund and facilitate that. I often have clients who tell me that they are in a place that they wouldn’t describe as being depressed, but they are feeling unhappy about their lives. In the vast majority of these cases, simply plugging them back into their personal goals in life, transforms how they are feeling and they are able to move forward in all aspects of their lives.

If you are living your life from weekend to weekend or day-off to day-off, then make sure you have some personal goals in place that will help you to keep upbeat and positive in the stressful times you may be experiencing.

Technorati Tags: being, dreams, excitement, focus, free time, goal, Goals, love, meaning, personal goals, present, shift, sorry state of affairs, spare time, thinking, weekend, work

I work with a great deal of people who are fantastic at setting massive goals and dreams. For some people this is enough and they have a goal which consumes them and they single mindedly work towards it and ultimately achieve it. For others, they generally set off with a great attitude and then slowly as time passes, they lose interest in the journey and the goal.

Don’t forget the small stuff! It can take such a lot of effort and time to reach our big life goals, that most people adapt, shrink or simply quit their dreams. Something I like to do with my clients is to get them into the habit of setting smaller, short and medium term goals too. Things that will keep them interested along the journey and as they progress towards their main goal, they get into the habit of being focused on what they want in life. For some this takes the form of setting small steps towards their bigger goals, for others it involves setting short term goals that are independent of their bigger goals. The majority of people mix the two - myself included.

From observation it appears that men are particularly good at setting medium to long term goals and not so good at setting small, short term goals whereas women are good at the small, short-term goals and less inclined to think long term. Obviously, this is certainly not always the case, it’s simply an observation from my experience.

To me, a healthy balance of short, medium and long term goals is essential as I progress through my life. I love being able to tick off my goals, even the smallest ones are immensely satisfying. If you are not used to setting goals, or are really good at the big ones, but give no thought or attention to the little ones, then set a goal for today. How about setting a goal to make someone smile, or even better to make someone’s day?

Get a dream/goal book and begin to write down everything you want from your life and then spend time with it daily, making additions, notes, sticking in photos or magazine clippings. Really focus your attention on what you want from your life in every day and every moment and you’ll be on the road to a life of your dreams. As a guide, you can use the following categories to prompt you:

Career, Money, Health, Friends, Family, Romance/love, Personal Growth/Spiritual, Fun and Recreation, Physical Environment

Technorati Tags: dream goal, dreams, focus, goal, Goals, goals and dreams, life goals, medium term goals, setting goals

The people I encounter in my coaching work never cease to amaze and astound me. The most common theme amongst people who make something of their lives (by their own definition of course) is that they always use their circumstances to their advantage. Be it ill-health, lack of money, lack of education or skill, whatever their circumstances they do what they want to do anyway; nothing stands in their way.

I’ve certainly met plenty of people who are the opposite - in my network marketing days I encountered so many people for whom their circumstances were the reason they chose not to succeed. Ultimately it all boils down to one thing… EXCUSES!

Life is littered with examples of people who have made fortunes and built incredible companies, organisations and charities in spite of their circumstances and upbringing. To them, it is just a part of life, something to be celebrated and used to motivate them towards their own greatness.

Today, I’d like to ask you which of your circumstances is your excuse for not moving toward your goals and dreams? Ultimately it doesn’t matter what your excuse is - it will prevent you from achieving what you set out to do.

Start by celebrating your circumstances - after all you would not be you today without them!

Technorati Tags: Celebrate, circumstances, Coaching, dreams, excuse, EXCUSES, goal, Goals, goals and dreams, greatness, health, ill health, lack, money, upbringing