Following the theme of my popular post 10 Top Tips for Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive here are my 10 top tips for becoming super-confident (without becoming arrogant).

Many of my clients have becoming more confident on their list of reasons for wanting my life coaching services. For most of them, they can remember a time in their lives where they felt confident, but then life gave them a few knocks, or they met someone (boss, partner, etc) who dominated them and then before they new it they’d lost all the confidence they ever had.

The 10 tips below are all ways in which you can move towards being super-confident, but helping you to remain a nice person and keep all your friends and family!

1. Body Language: In the post 10 Top Tips for Being Assertive Without Being Aggressive I mentioned something called steepling, which is where you press only the tips of your fingers together in a prayer position. You can google a search for this for more details. Also in body language, it’s really important how you stand or sit. The “typical” position for standing involves: having your feet slightly apart toes pointing outwards slightly; your back straight, shoulders relaxed and back and head held high. Then we get to the hands - in confidence stances these are the most difficult! My preferred way is to have my fingers in my pockets with my thumbs showing, or you can hook your thumb in your pocket and have your fingers out. If you do not have pockets, then try holding one hand with the other behind your back - you’ll notice the Royal Family tend to do this as they roam about meeting people. Bear in mind that some cultures have different body language meanings… A wonderful resource for this is “The Definitive Book of Body Language” by Allan and Barbara Pease. The thing about using body language in this way is that it can help you to feel confident just by changing your posture.
2. Looking people in the eyes is a great way to appear confident. For most un-confident people this is incredibly difficult to do - for fear of over-staring. The best way to do this is to look from one eye to the other then down to the mouth then back to the first eye (a triangle). It’s a way of preventing yourself staring at people. More details again in the Allan and Barbara Pease book.
3. For many people their lack of confidence comes from a lack of self-esteem. How you feel about yourself can restrict your ability to be confident. Ways to improve this will be covered in a future article, which I’ll link to here. As well as these, you can begin to build your self-esteem by asking 5 people who know you to write down 5 positive qualities they see in you. To make up your 5, pick at least 1 from each of the following: friends, family, work colleagues/business contacts - e.g. 1 friend, 2 family, 2 work colleagues. Explain only that you would like 5 positive qualities from them, there is no need to go into any detail beyond that. The beauty of this exercise is that the people you ask can do whatever they want to and you’ll be surprised by what comes back! People often recognise qualities in you that you will never see or acknowledge yourself.
4. Affirmations can really help to build your confidence - these are mantras that you repeat to yourself over and over again. Here are some examples:
   • I am a strong, confident person
   • I am confident when meeting new people
   • I am cool, calm and confident when under pressure

   The important features of affirmations are that they are written in the present tense (if you start with “I am” you’ll be on the right track); they are phrased positively - words like not and don’t have no place in affirmations; they are written in your own words - if you find a good affirmation from someone else, phrase it in your own way. If you want feedback on your affirmations, then leave me a comment and I’ll reply with my thoughts. The best way to use your affirmations is to write them down (have a maximum of 3 on the go at any time) and stick them to the bathroom mirror. That way, when you clean your teeth morning and night, you can read them and repeat them to yourself. Aim for about 20 repetitions of each one, it’s better if you speak them, but that can be difficult if you have a toothbrush in your mouth. In the beginning they will feel like a lie, but after about 3-6 weeks, you will begin to notice that you are believing these thoughts about yourself.

5. Find people you think of as confident and begin to notice things about them, such as how they stand or how they speak. Are these things you can copy and begin to implement to build your confidence? If you get chance, ask them what they think about their confidence - some of these people will think they are not that confident! Ask them what they think about your confidence, do they have any advice that can help you? There are very few people who will not help you if you ask them - most people love to give their opinion too.
6. Speak more loudly - obviously don’t shout! For some people speaking more slowly can help - especially if you are prone to mumbling. If you are doing public speaking though, it can help you to speak loudly and a little bit quicker - it makes you seem excited about your subject. Consider the pitch and tone of your voice - if you have access to record yourself speaking with friends you’ll have a better idea of how loud you are and what you sound like. Perhaps consider getting feedback from someone you trust. It takes time to change these things, but it’s really worth it.
7. Be mindful of your feelings - if you notice that you don’t feel confident or you feel frightened then ask yourself, “what is making me feel this way?” Usually, there is some really good personal learning from this exercise. If you get no response, then a great way to break out of this feeling and feel more confident is to…
8. Fake it Til You Make It! This is vital - in order for you to change your confidence levels, you are going to have to do a fair bit of this. The previous tips will help you with this - you can take huge strides forward by observing your body language and tone of voice. At first all of this seems contrived and your affirmations will feel like a lie. If you can spend about 3 weeks making these changes you will begin to see changes in the way people around you react to you. When you seem confident, people will take you more seriously, will be more inclined to listen to what you have to say and may even approach you for your opinion or advice. It’s important to realise that most people fake it til they make it all the time. Most seemingly confident people have their own concerns about confidence, however they instinctively use this process to get them through tricky situations etc. As we begin to speak and act confidently, even if we don’t feel it, the brain will eventually catch up and begin to think confidently, you’ll start to feel confident and then you’re really on your way to being super-confident.
9. Start with easy stuff - get some confidence that you can improve your confidence. Don’t suddenly decide you are going to do some public speaking straight away - that may work, but chances are it’ll put you off for life. How about first of all you make a point in a meeting in front of your colleagues? A challenge I personally use is to try and speak to someone every day who I don’t know. If you do this a lot at work, then make a point of doing this outside of work. This is a great way to improve your confidence in talking with people - and practising small talk.
10. Set some realistic timescales - don’t expect to change your world over night. You’ve spent a long time feeling low in confidence and this isn’t going to happen tomorrow. If you can stick to a process of change and use these tips, you’ll find that after a few months you’re doing things that today, you don’t believe you can ever do. Every few weeks, celebrate how far you have come along your journey and re-evaluate your goals.

It can be hard work making these changes, especially if you have little confidence. I’d recommend to those people that you find someone who can help you as you grow and change - there is a lot to be said for finding someone who can believe in you until you can believe in yourself. In the long run, the journey will not seem as hard as you thought it would be. Remember that confident people are not normally arrogant, although that is certainly a consideration. If you are a nice person, there is little chance that your new found confidence will lead people to think any less of you.

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Technorati Tags: Allan Pease, Assertive, Barbara Pease, body language, Celebrate, confidence, fear, feelings, goal, journey, self-esteem, thoughts, tips

We live in a world where we expect everything now and while this can be useful, it can seriously get in the way of our growth and personal development. Change is something that takes time… sometimes it’s a life’s work. It can’t be hurried and you can’t make it happen before you are ready for it.

You can go on courses and workshops, read books, listen to audio or watch video and all this will leave you feeling profoundly different. The bottom line is that no one can force you or make you change your life. You have to be willing, be prepared to put in time and effort, and give yourself the time and space to make mistakes. Otherwise all the learning, courses, books and audio/video are a waste.

I learned several years ago that in order to successfully help people turn their lives around and achieve their goals, there has to be a strong desire and commitment to the process of change. Sometimes it can be a rough ride… stamina is a useful thing to have.

I’ve yet to meet anyone who hasn’t felt that the journey has been worth the time and effort. Even when the destination isn’t quite ideal, you learn so much along the way that it’s always worth it.

It strikes me that the main regrets people have are about opportunities they didn’t take and changes they didn’t make. Of course we make poor decisions from time to time, but there is always some good learning to take away from it. Allow this to happen without beating yourself up and you’ll soon be on the right road.

Technorati Tags: Change, change your life, decision, effort, goal, Goals, growth, journey, learning, Personal Development, poor decisions, regrets, stamina, strong desire, thoughts

I’ve always been surprised about how people’s mood and feelings can be linked to the weather. There is much talk in the media about Seasonal Affected Disorder (SAD) where people have a tendency to be depressed during the winter months when it’s colder and darker.

Today I experienced the opposite. It was very sunny this morning as I drove to a session and I could see the shadows the clouds were making on the fields and the music on the radio was very summery; I found myself feeling genuinely elated.

This got me thinking and wondering how it might be possible to use this wonderful elated state to our advantage and strive to remain in this place as often as possible. My first thought was around the NLP technique of anchoring, where you use some physical device to link your memory, feelings and state to. For example, if you feel wonderful and then pinch the area between your thumb and forefinger, you can then create a link and perform the pinch at any time you wish to feel wonderful again.

But what else? I’m really wondering at the moment if it’s as simple as a choice. The decision to feel happy or elated or wonderful all the time. From my own personal development and self-improvement journey, I certainly feel happy for the vast majority of the time, however this feeling of elation felt much more than simply happy. My thought is that perhaps this is our natural state of joy and it is certainly something that I aspire to feel all the time.

I’m really wondering what kind of world we’d all create if we all simply felt elated and joyful all the time? Imagine a time where we all go to the doctors worrying about whether we feel too happy!

I’m fascinated by this subject and I welcome comments, feedback, suggestions or ideas that you may have about this.

Technorati Tags: Choice, Creating, elation, experience, feelings, happiness, health, joy, positive thinking, sad, seasonal affected disorder, thoughts, weather

Here’s an interesting question that I came across quite by accident the other day. How do fears change with age? My initial reaction was that they don’t, although I feel that was just the quickest answer I could come up with at the time. I’ve been wrangling with this one since then and it will be really interesting to get some feedback and answers to this question from others.

The coach and self-improvement junkie in me really wants to say that fears increase or decrease only through our thoughts and feelings about them. People have considerably different approaches to their fears and although there are not many people who you’ll find who can genuinely say they do not fear anything, there are a good many who are able to overcome their fears. I guess the question of age relates to our fears changing as we approach the mid to late stages of our life. Is it possible then that this can be linked to our aging body and perhaps a perceived frailty that that brings?

An answer to this question “how do fears change with age” is not truly complete without looking at the whole of the life-cycle. When we are born, our fears and concerns are around milk, warmth, close contact with people etc. As we grow, our fears evolve as we are subjected to the fears of our parents, carers, teachers and other people who have responsibility for our welfare. These childhood fears are further enhanced by the media around us and our relative lack of ability to understand the world around us (compared to the adult mind).

Next, for most of us, our fears surround work, money, relationships, children, family etc. Then they swiftly move onto growing old and this issue of frailty and being cared for in our twilight years. I suppose for most of us, there is a fear of death throughout our lives, which may increase as we get older and it becomes more imminent.

I genuinely believe that the majority of our fears can be understood and overcome and although I am not yet old enough to know, my hope is that my own experience of fear will continue to lessen as I get older and understand myself better. To me, fear becomes a major issue when it is not understood, or it is not faced or challenged in anyway. I really am looking forward to your thoughts on this, please feel free to comment.

Technorati Tags: children, family, fear, growing old, money, relationships, thoughts, work

This is a question that always makes me think. There are so many books, courses and other media that we have available which mention positive thinking as a key to having a wonderful, enriched and fulfilled life. Some of them appear to suggest that through the power of thought alone, we can literally create anything we want for ourselves. Now, I’ve believed three different ideas here - the first that positive thinking alone can provide you with everything; another that positive thinking is a complete load of codswallop; and the last that positive thinking is vital, however it is only the first step to creating that which we want.

I’m currently of the opinion that positive thinking is vital, but we need to add the other two parts to complete the process. These two parts are words and actions. I remember something from my childhood about “thought, word and deed” which is a useful phrase here. The idea that thoughts create words, which in turn create deeds (or actions) and the actions create that which we want.

The first position here (certainly the one which I first occupied) is the belief that positive thinking is a load of rubbish, new-age thinking that doesn’t get anyone anywhere in life, because you have to work hard to get anywhere etc, etc. There is certainly value in this belief, I perhaps would question if this is the most blind place to be as this type of person is unlikely to consider the possibility that they may be wrong. Of course I’m not saying that they are!

The second position, where simply by thinking, we can create whatever we want is a wonderful place to be (provided it is working out for us) otherwise there is the possibility that we will go back to the first position or will decide that the third position is more appropriate. This position is perhaps on the surface the most appealing, because it involves very little responsibility and action on our parts. I personally have spent a good deal of my life in this place, however the lack of results may also be attributed to a lack of belief in my goals.

The third position, where I am currently choosing to reside, recognises the value of positive thinking and believes that it is a tool for us to create words and actions that will bring our desires into our reality. To me this is enormously attractive as my joy in life is often found in the journey towards my goals, although they taste pretty sweet when they arrive! The sense of achievement that my thoughts, words and actions have created is a wonderful reward in itself.

I am not a proponent of any type of thinking, I believe that the value of life is to think what you like. I simply ask you to consider your thoughts on this question, even if you think like me, consider the value of the other positions and question your own belief and thinking to either strengthen or create a new way of thinking that is better suited to you. As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts, ideas or opinions on this question.

Technorati Tags: Actions, Beliefs, Creating, positive thinking, question, responsibility, thoughts