It’s really hard to break free from being a victim. I encounter a good deal of people in my work, who are adept at being victims in life. Even when they realise they are being a victim, it can be tricky to move forward and take control.
The problem with being a victim is that you are taking no responsibility for anything in your life. You believe that it is not your fault that you are a victim, it’s just how it is and the circumstances you’ve got. The victim mentality will serve only to keep you a victim forever. You’ll attract people in your life who help you stay firmly rooted and you make choices that encourage your circumstances to lock you in place.
The only way forward is to identify that you are not locked in the grip of people around you, you are in fact choosing to be gripped by them. It is perfectly possible to come out from their grip and take control and charge of your life. In fact they can’t let you go because they are not holding you there, you are holding yourself there.
Victims make excuses, so to be different, you have to let go of your excuses and take responsibility for your actions and reactions. Victims blame it all on being too fat, too tall, too short, or some other reason, and to take control you have to realise that it’s none of those things.
Victims often know exactly what they need to do to stop being a victim, but the lure and the rewards of being a victim are often strong enough to keep them there. It feels very exposed when you let go of your need to be a victim, however it’s worth it because you can never be happy unless you do.
The truth is that a victim is not a victim of another person, or their circumstances, or anything external at all. A victim is a victim only of themselves.
John@van Vault
/ October 15 2009I dont think you cab help being the ‘victim’ every now and then. If anything I think it can be beneficial. Learning from your mistakes makes you wiser, or pulling yourself out of adversity makes you a stronger person.
I certainly wouldnt want to go through life wrapped in cotton wool.
Tracy@medifast diet
/ October 28 2009Unfortunatly I seem to know a lot of people who consider themselves a victim of some kind. The classic ones such as blaming things on their parents as well as those who feel that nothing is in their control. It is an easy role to play.
Eric @ BMW Paint
/ October 31 2009Dan, great observation. I would like to add that there is a difference between victim and victimization. I agree that overcoming the defeatist mentality symptomatic with chronic victims is a major challenge personality and requires some nerve and will to move on for the sake of survivability. Victimization may be perpetuated by institutional forces and thinking that a generation or more may be required to erase the stigma and paralysis. Working with inner city youth I see quite a bit of discouragement and absence of support, so expectation and achievement are very low.
http://fr.hemapro.com/
/ November 18 2009Very true. I really dislike when people say “well this is how I am”..so try to change then. Cause that is not to take responsibility of your own actions.
Candy @ Fat Burning Furnace
/ December 16 2009It is this self realization that you are a victim of your own thinking that is so hard to come by. Most victims believe that there is little that they can do to change their circumstances. If they only knew how they controlled their own destiny life would be so different for them.
Candy @ Fat Burning Furnace´s last blog ..POwerBlock – World’s Best Dumbells
Gaston and Mari@Toys Period
/ December 27 2009The concept of victimization is a tricky one.
We recall the old saying,”Just because he is paranoid does not mean that there isn’t someone out to get him.”
The whole civil rights movement was about identifying the most obvious cases of victimization and doing something about them.
The ten commandments are an attempt to stop individuals from making others their victims.
So, perhaps recognizing a situation as one in which a victim has been identified is just the first step in doing something about an injustice. That is, identifying the victim may be the first step toward empowerment.
The best economic system in the world is capitalism. Capitalism, however, is really a zero sum game. The 1% of children born with large trust funds and whose parents own the land there is to own are by definition, by their very situation, victimizing those born in trailers to poor parents who must scrounge for the barest living.
So, as a Life Coach, perhaps you might wish to look at the identification of victimization as the starting point for empowerment rather than something else.
What perhaps you are really saying is that one shouldn’t remain passive about being a victim.
Or perhaps you are saying that when the rich own 40 square miles of rancho, and pass it down from son to son impoverishing all in the area, that we should hat in hand ask for a place in the bunk house.
How would you handle this last situation?
Let’s say you are facing the son of a very poor field worker who has a choice of either working for slave wages or recognizing his situation as a victim. As a life coach, what would you advise?
We wonder how a life coach would fare in Haiti speaking to a street full of thousands of poor looking to find food for their tables. What would a life coach do in that situation?
Bottom line: We are thinking that the title “life coach” only has meaning in a situation where there is plenty, where even the poor do not starve in the streets.
But, that is in itself a false situation. Two thirds of humanity does not have clean water to wash themselves with or drink. What would you say to them as a life coach?
By encouraging people to shy away from considering themselves victims, are you, in effect, asking them not to recognize their true situation? Unless a person can see clearly what powers have brought about a situation, how can he or she work to overturn those powers?
Gaston and Mari@Toys Period´s last blog ..Elf Sightings: Tales from Ancient Lands
Dan O’Neil says… Great points here! Thanks for the tough questions. My answer is a simple one, I’d suggest that the people you describe do not need a life coach. One of the main reasons we have challenges is because of our perspective. Western life is so comfortable that we lack the motivation to change our situation. If you took away the money, the food, clean water etc, then the basic human needs kick in and we would make our changes. Anyone in any situation can rise above themselves and become more than they are – I don’t mean to have anything they want, although that’s also possible. Simply that they can BE more than they are, the goal is never to HAVE more than they have!
Brian@composite panels
/ January 4 2010I have experienced many of these people that habitually wan’t to play the victim. There is a very interesting phenomenon here.
These people can’t just keep to themselves. They have a desire like a magnet to seek out others and tell their sorry story. They enjoy in creating a “pity party” to help in comforting themselves. By persuading another person about the victim’s circumstance, the victim takes some comfort that someone else is empathizing with them.
Although this pattern will serve to comfort the victim, the others caught in the net will get dragged down.
Moral: don’t get caught to join a “pity party” or your own psyche will suffer.
Dan O'Neil
/ January 9 2010Brian, great points. I love the expression “pity party”, it truly sums up what the situation really is.
Guru Jeffster
/ February 14 2010People who are chronic victims are often also addicted to drama. They have difficulty seeing what is real and what is not and therefore keep attracting drama in their lives. You are right that they are only victims of themselves. Luckily, it is curable
Guru Jeffster´s last blog ..Anger is a Choice
scheng1
/ March 7 2010I think I am a victim of coffee! That sounds miserable, but I really need a cup of coffee everyday! It’s true that I know the risk of being a coffee addict, but I so enjoy a nice cup of coffee.
scheng1´s last blog ..Is 2012 the end of the world?
rob
/ April 7 2010victim consciousness is like a plague in some areas of society, i have been shocked to come across people who use it as an excuse to get away with all manner of behaviour. The surprising thing is when they find a blame outside of themselves for things going wrong as a result of their actions. It is a spiral of cause and effect which some do not understand.
I prefer to work with those who are looking for answers within themselves in order to try and ascertain exactly how to improve things, though it is always difficult to broach the subject of “Its Your Fault” obviously in more polite words.
Responsibility should become the new motto of society, if the recent banking crisis is anything to go by i feel we are still a long way off. Every anouncement points the finger elsewhere when in fact each individual, each organisation and each government played their part.
sorry i feel like i went off on one, as this is my favorite subject.
Good work i am really enjoying your blog.
rob´s last blog ..105 Spiritual Laws, Universal Laws
Umkhonto Labour
/ May 26 2010This post has been quite the eye-opener, and I thoroughly enjoyed both the post and the comments. Gaston and Mari raised a really good point, and Dan’s response was great. I feel those people are going to need more than life coaches, they need basic skills coaching. I am a Permaculture facilitator, and do a lot of work with NGO’s and other organisations that are focusing on transferring basic skills like how to build your own home and grow your own food. On this level there is definite need of coaching, and I feel you can class Permaculture under broad life skills.Please correct me if I’m wrong. I really enjoy the conversations on this blog. We can learn so much from each other.