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What Fears Cause a Lack of Confidence?

The evidence I’ve gained from my experience suggests that a lack of confidence comes from a collection of fears that people have. There are four common categories of fears listed below – almost all the fears that effect confidence fall into one of these categories:

  • People – socially, peer group, powerful people, superiors, etc.
  • What People Might Think Of Me – will people like me, find me attractive and/or interesting
  • Failure – will the outcome be as bad as I think it is going to be, not being good enough
  • Success – will the outcome be as good as I think it could be and how will I handle it

Far and away the largest fears seem to be in the “What People Might Think Of Me” category. For example, being confident can easily be mistaken for being arrogant or cocky and this is a big fear for a lot of people. For some, it’s easier to be un-confident, than to run the risk of looking arrogant. The truth is that truly confident people do not come across as arrogant – there is a big difference between that and being self-assured. Arrogant people try and be better than others, confident people have no need for such petty behaviours.

Fear affects us in so many different ways – it inhibits our true selves and causes changes in our behaviour that we would not normally choose. Ultimately, if you lack confidence, you have fears which are getting in the way of your thinking, your words and your actions. Overcoming the fears means facing them.

What are we doing to our young adults?

Over the last few years or so, I’ve worked with a great many young adults – normally in their early 20s and having recently finished University. The overwhelming impression I get is that they are apathetic to life. They are drawn into the negative thinking and feelings that the “recession” has created and because they have to work hard to find a job, they soon get disillusioned and enter into a “there’s no point in trying” attitude.

In many ways, it’s really easy to see why so many of our young adults are now so apathetic, it’s pretty easy to make the excuse that it’s too hard to find work these days, so therefore they have no money to go out and enjoy themselves… However this really doesn’t help them at all. I can’t imagine what damage this is all doing to them for their future lives and how this will effect their attitude as they plod through life.

What is increasingly scary is that many of them are being prescribed anti-depressants, when all they really need to do is get some exercise, get a hobby and start doing something with their lives. Those who will thrive in this more difficult economic climate, are the ones who are able to think differently and will find a way to create an income out of the things that they love to do. The truth is, there is lots of money out there to be had – I’ve met so many people recently who are making lots of money, by thinking for themselves and putting themselves out there.

This poor, depressed generation of young people in their 20s are in for a rough life. Their expectations will shape their development and future life progress. Imagine if they start out by feeling like there’s no point in trying… what are this generation going to be like in their 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s? Depression is only the tip of the iceberg for this generation, unless we can get through to them and show them that actually there is a huge opportunity for them out there.

What is this opportunity? Well to be honest, it’s whatever they want for themselves. Hopefully they can learn that there is an alternative to working really hard in a job you detest. If you can find a way to create an income out of something you love to do, then you are in for a fantastic life. The world is changing and this generation are either going to spiral into depression and apathy, or they will rise above it all and be the generation who create the great change that we are so desperately needing.

If there is a young adult in your life who is lost, lacking in confidence and generally sliding into apathy… recommend that they do something about it. My confidence workshop is a good place to begin, or I offer one-to-one coaching which can really help kick start them into action and then see through their goals.

This is a really big problem and it’s going to take some serious intervention to make a significant difference to these young people.

Why Is It So Hard To Make Important Decisions?

I frequently get asked, “Why is it so difficult to make important decisions in my life?” and I find that for most people there is a simple answer. People so often impose a great deal of pressure on their decisions – they bring in all the factors why they are unable to do something, rather than giving consideration to what they want and how they can do something. It’s often a case of giving up before you even give it a shot.

There is something really valuable to know – it doesn’t matter what the excuse is, it will always stop you getting something done. If it’s always been your dream to learn the piano, your excuse can be that you haven’t enough time in your life. You may as well have the excuse that pianos have black and white keys. There’s no real difference between the two, they both prevent you from achieving your dream.

It’s the same in the big decisions in your life e.g.  Jo is deciding whether or not to leave her partner and go and start a new life somewhere else. In this example, deep down Jo knows that the best thing to do for herself is to move on – the relationship is not helping her to express herself in her life. Faced with this difficult decision, she can decide to stay for the following reasons:

  • It’s comfortable and she knows what she’s getting in this life
  • She doesn’t want to hurt her partner’s feelings
  • Her new life is going to mean that she’ll not have much money for a while
  • There is so much to sort out with the house they own together, joint debts, joint savings, cars, kids, etc. So it’s easier to stay
  • Her partner has brown hair

Clearly the last reason (excuse) is nonsense, but it’s still going to stop her from getting what she wants.

We place so much importance on our decisions in life and to be honest, if we just learn to take ourselves less seriously, it’s so much easier. Ultimately, the only way that we can live our life without regrets is by always going for what we really want. If you do that, even when it’s the much harder way, then you will always make great decisions.

Why Is It So Difficult To Accept Compliments?

Watching Celebrity Masterchef on BBC 1 this evening, I was struck by Christine Hamilton saying, “It’s when people are nice to me… it’s quite difficult.”

How incredible that a celebrity would have the same challenge as so many “ordinary” people who have self-esteem and confidence issues.

It shows so much about what we think of ourselves if we are unable to deal with people being nice to us.

I meet this so often in the work I do, both in my one-to-one confidence coaching and also in the Cracking Confidence Workshops. I’ve noticed that there are many different reactions to people being nice or giving us compliments:

  • Ignoring it
  • Laughing it off, or making a joke about it
  • Denying it
  • Arguing about it
  • Passing it onto someone else
  • Putting it back onto the person giving the compliment
  • Getting emotional about it

What makes it so difficult is that we have no clue what to do with compliments. Most western cultures are programmed from a very early age to find compliments difficult to deal with. What chance do we have really??

The biggest problem is that whenever we use any of the above responses to compliments, we are really just throwing it back in their face and saying, “Your opinion counts for nothing.” It makes the person giving the compliment feel worse… All that is really required is a simple “Thank You!”

When people give a compliment, it is intended to make both people feel good. The recipient gets to feel special and the complimenter gets to feel good for having made someone feel special. None of this works unless you thank them for their compliment.

Lastly, don’t be drawn into thinking that you have to immediately return the compliment… if you absolutely have to pass it on, find someone else to give it to.

Tricking Yourself Into Action

There’s something you can do that will really help you to get past some of your anxieties and into action. It’s similar to the situation where someone with anxieties about flying is able to suspend their anxieties when a person they are flying with has greater anxieties than they do. It also works when you think that this person has more anxieties than you.

What happens is that you move into “looking after” mode… whereby you stop all focus on your own feelings and take care of the person you are with. You know how people put their own fears on hold to rescue a dog from an icy lake, or would risk their life to save a child… this is the same principle that you can use yourself to help you get into action.

So, the easiest way is to find someone to nurture. For example, if you are anxious about public speaking, then find someone who is more anxious than you and do something together. You’ll find that you have to lead the situation, which automatically gives you a boost to your confidence.

The more you can teach them about it, the better you are going to be. Now, before you say, I don’t know anything about [insert your fear/anxiety here]… YOU REALLY DO! You’ve worried about it for long enough for you to pick up LOTS of tips. You won’t realise this until you start to take the lead and teach someone.

So, find someone who needs help a bit more than you, and put yourself forward. It takes away all the excuses you are creating for yourself and puts you in a position where you simply HAVE TO get on with it and move through your anxieties and fears.

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