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Tag: fears

Tricking Yourself Into Action

There’s something you can do that will really help you to get past some of your anxieties and into action. It’s similar to the situation where someone with anxieties about flying is able to suspend their anxieties when a person they are flying with has greater anxieties than they do. It also works when you think that this person has more anxieties than you.

What happens is that you move into “looking after” mode… whereby you stop all focus on your own feelings and take care of the person you are with. You know how people put their own fears on hold to rescue a dog from an icy lake, or would risk their life to save a child… this is the same principle that you can use yourself to help you get into action.

So, the easiest way is to find someone to nurture. For example, if you are anxious about public speaking, then find someone who is more anxious than you and do something together. You’ll find that you have to lead the situation, which automatically gives you a boost to your confidence.

The more you can teach them about it, the better you are going to be. Now, before you say, I don’t know anything about [insert your fear/anxiety here]… YOU REALLY DO! You’ve worried about it for long enough for you to pick up LOTS of tips. You won’t realise this until you start to take the lead and teach someone.

So, find someone who needs help a bit more than you, and put yourself forward. It takes away all the excuses you are creating for yourself and puts you in a position where you simply HAVE TO get on with it and move through your anxieties and fears.

4 Comments by Dan O'Neil on August 2, 2010
filed in confidence, fears, tips
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The Only Thing We Have To Fear, Is Fear Itself

A short one today… A quote from Franklin D Roosevelt… “The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.”

When you begin to move in your life and do the work on your confidence (or indeed any goal), you’ll realise that you are not living in fear when you are taking action. When you stop, however, the fears will return. It’s actually the fear of the fear returning that keeps you taking action and increasing your comfort zone.

Something to think about!

2 Comments by Dan O'Neil on July 21, 2010
filed in fears
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Avoiding the Negative Influences

Avoid all the negative people and influences you can.

It’s a pretty strong message. I have to say that one of the biggest problems if you lack confidence, is the influence that the world and people around you have on your beliefs about yourself and the world. Negative messages reinforce a lack of confidence and undermine your motivation to do something about it.

Over exposure to the news and to media will create problems that you can do without. If you believe that the world is a nasty place then it’s not going to be easy to wander around in that world as a confident person. My strongest advice is to avoid it altogether, although I appreciate the resistance that most people feel to this idea. The proof is in the pudding though and if you can eliminate the media for even a couple of weeks, you’ll notice a big increase in your levels of happiness and motivation. (Don’t worry, you won’t miss anything – there are plenty of people who will give you the really important news whether you want it or not.)

The people who you have surrounded yourself with (friends etc.) are likely to be low in confidence too (even if you don’t think it of them) and together you conspire against yourselves. This makes it all the more easy to stay put and not take the actions that will stretch you to overcome your worries and fears. We mix with people who have similar thinking and beliefs to our own, which is often the reason we get stuck in our comfort zone. If you really want to improve, then sometimes you have to have a healthy look at the people around you and decide if they are a positive influence on you. Begin to mix with other people who genuinely have confidence and you’ll find that you step up to their level automatically.

As for the people who are a negative influence on you, give them the opportunity to change by having a conversation with them on neutral territory. Tell them you are working on improving your confidence and ask them to help and support you in the process. Once you have their agreement to help, you can bring this back to their attention if you find them being a negative influence on you in the future.

Make sure that the worst offenders are removed from your life – these people will hold you in place, steal your dreams and mean that you never become any more confident than you are right now.

4 Comments by Dan O'Neil on July 17, 2010
filed in confidence, motivation, tips
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Isn’t It Time You Just Got On With It?

In building confidence, there is no substitute for action. There are no quick solutions, magic wands or pills you can take to make you confident. It comes from your continued action and motivation to push yourself beyond your comfort zone.

On the subject of your comfort zone… even the most confident people have a comfort zone. They are simply used to operating slightly outside this comfort zone and they realise that in that place is the only true freedom from fear and worry. Whilst you remain firmly in your comfort zone, you are living in fear and worry. When you push through, you overcome your fears and worries and they don’t bother you anymore.

Your only job is to move – it doesn’t really matter whether you go forwards, backwards, up, down, left, right… just as long as you don’t stand still. If you get out of the habit of taking actions and moving in your life, then you stagnate and it becomes very difficult to start to move again.

If you’re doing something and you find that it’s taking you in a different direction to the one in which you wanted to go, then you can take a look at that to see if this new direction is better. If not, then it doesn’t take much to make a few changes and head off the right way again. If you stop, then it takes an extraordinary effort to start up again. In fact, you don’t bother – it gets marked as a failure and that’s the end of that.

Do yourself a massive favour right now. Answer this question…

What is it that I am not doing, that will move me towards my goals and take me away from this place of fear to one of freedom and confidence?

Now, understand that taking these actions might be difficult, painful or uncomfortable. However, remember how awful it is to live life as you currently do. Which is better? Some short term pain leading you to freedom, confidence and peace? Or a lifetime spent wallowing in the discomfort you currently feel?

It’s pretty clear to me which option to pick, but in the end it’s your choice. Remember that doing nothing, is still a choice – one that usually leads to a victim mentality.

No Comments by Dan O'Neil on July 13, 2010
filed in action planning, confidence
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Famous People Get Nervous Too

According to this BBC Report, Robbie Williams has problems with his confidence. For most people, this will be totally dismissed as nonesense because it doesn’t make sense that someone with confidence issues could sing live in front of thousands or even millions of people. However the truth is that everyone experiences confidence challenges, however there are some people who have learned to get through it.

There is no need to make comparisons between ourselves and famous people like Robbie Williams, our own experience of confidence is our own. No-one is likely to ask you to sing in front of thousands of people, and if they did you’d have to get through it somehow, or run for the hills.

The bottom line is it’s ok to have issues with your confidence. There are some people in life who push themselves to overcome their fears to see how well they can master their self-confidence. Again, this is not something that you are likely to choose for yourself. What we can learn from these people who do it anyway, in spite of their fears and lack of confidence, is that we can overcome these things for ourselves. For you it might be that speaking up in a meeting fills you with fear and dread, or it might be doing some public speaking, or as simple as speaking with a difficult boss.

We are all capable of overcoming our fears and finding our inner confidence. Sometimes it can be as simple as giving yourself a push in the right direction – so if you are asked to do a presentation, accept before you think to say no! Once you’ve got through it, of course you are going to review your performance – don’t forget the things you did right! For one, you got up there and you did it – which is unlike your normal self. Learn to focus only on the good points – ok it’s hard, but it’s better than beating yourself up!

If you ask someone who appears to have good confidence, “What areas do you feel you struggle with your confidence”, there won’t be many people who answer, “None”. From my own experience of coaching un-confident people and those who attend my workshops, I find that the vast majority of them appear to be confident already. It’s about how you feel, and realising that you are not the only one… it happens to everyone.

Take a leaf out of Robbie’s book and just do it.

34 Comments by Dan O'Neil on October 21, 2009
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