Many of my clients come to me with very little self-esteem and this question about how to build your self-esteem comes up frequently. Below I’ve listed a few ideas that can help you to begin the process of building your self-esteem up.
- Keep a Diary. This is a really important step because if you do not have anything written down that you can refer to along the way, it’s really difficult to see how far you’ve come.
- Ask 5 of your friends to list 5 positive qualities or things they respect or admire about you. Keep your conversation with them simple and don’t get drawn into a long conversation about what you expect from them. Simply allow them to complete the exercise however they choose. When you get the sheets back, read them a few times – you’ll be amazed!
- Keep a “fluffy file” (or something more manly if you prefer) that contains all your feedback from no.2 as well as any letters of praise you receive or things that remind you of your positive qualities. Some people like to keep birthday cards with special messages inside. Whenever you feel low, get out your file and look through it.
- Define the important roles in your life – such as a parent, a partner, an employee, a business owner, a son, a niece, a friend etc. It’s possible to come up with quite a long list of these roles. Once you have your list, think about each one and consider your place in each of them. How important is this role to you? What do you do well in this role? If the role affects another person, in what ways to you enrich their lives? Remember to be positive about this, if you think negative thoughts about your roles in life, then it’s not going to help your self-esteem. For some people this process can be difficult and it may be worth considering help from a life coach or other therapist.
- Think about the following questions – it can be helpful to write down your answers and do this process every few months (at least every 6).
- What are your strengths?
- What have you achieved so far in your life?
- Who in your life appreciates you?
- What do you like about yourself?
- What positive qualities do others see in you?
- Read books – there are lots of great self-help books to choose from. Read the titles of them in your local bookstore and grab the first one that speaks to you.
- Use one or some of the following affirmations – or create your own. Repeat these over and over to yourself either out loud or in your head. A good idea is to stick them to the bathroom mirror and you’ll remember to do this process when you brush your teeth morning and night.
- I am a valuable person
- I feel good about myself
- I love and approve of myself
- I am good at the things I do
- I am a popular member of the team
- Get help! For some people this process of building your self-esteem seems like such a hard job and a long road, that it’s just too much to begin. Ask yourself if you want to feel better about yourself. If the answer is yes, but it all seems a bit overwhelming, then contact someone who can help you. A life coach for example will help you to break it down into easy steps which don’t seem so daunting. It is also helpful to speak to someone who won’t judge you or say something like, “You should be happier in yourself” or something equally un-helpful. The people around you care about you and just want you to be happy, however their “advice” and comments are not always going to be helpful to your progress.
- Have a long hard look in the mirror. For many people this is such a hard thing to do and they instantly find that lots of voices appear in their head saying things like, “you’re ugly” or “you’ve got a crooked nose” etc. Force yourself to stand there and understand that these voices are simply your doubts and fears surfacing. Do not allow them to take a hold of you and recognise all the beautiful things about yourself – you are unique (even if you are an identical twin) and you deserve to love yourself no matter what you look like on the outside.
- Go on a date with yourself. Do something that you love doing – maybe it’s the theatre or the cinema or out for a meal. Yes, it’s a bit odd doing those things by yourself, but the point of this exercise is to enjoy your own company! Alternatively, you could consider going somewhere new – perhaps joining a new club – without taking your partner, family or friends along for support. This is all about you learning to love yourself and think more positively about yourself. It will stretch you out of your comfort zone into your freedom zone (for an explanation follow the link).
Remember that change takes time. You can begin to feel better about yourself immediately, however you’ll need 3-6 weeks to make this new habit stick.
Related posts: 10 Top Tips for Super-Confidence, 10 Top Tips for Assertiveness