We live in a world where we expect everything now and while this can be useful, it can seriously get in the way of our growth and personal development. Change is something that takes time… sometimes it’s a life’s work. It can’t be hurried and you can’t make it happen before you are ready for it.
You can go on courses and workshops, read books, listen to audio or watch video and all this will leave you feeling profoundly different. The bottom line is that no one can force you or make you change your life. You have to be willing, be prepared to put in time and effort, and give yourself the time and space to make mistakes. Otherwise all the learning, courses, books and audio/video are a waste.
I learned several years ago that in order to successfully help people turn their lives around and achieve their goals, there has to be a strong desire and commitment to the process of change. Sometimes it can be a rough ride… stamina is a useful thing to have.
I’ve yet to meet anyone who hasn’t felt that the journey has been worth the time and effort. Even when the destination isn’t quite ideal, you learn so much along the way that it’s always worth it.
It strikes me that the main regrets people have are about opportunities they didn’t take and changes they didn’t make. Of course we make poor decisions from time to time, but there is always some good learning to take away from it. Allow this to happen without beating yourself up and you’ll soon be on the right road.
tagged
Change,
change your life,
decision,
effort,
goal,
Goals,
growth,
journey,
learning,
Personal Development,
poor decisions,
regrets,
stamina,
strong desire,
thoughts
Due to popular demand, I’m writing some articles over the next few weeks on assertiveness, confidence and self-esteem. This one is concerned with the art of being assertive without becoming aggressive. From my experience, the majority of people who want to be more assertive are scared to do so because they do not want to come across as aggressive. The most important thing to remember if you feel like this is that you are actually a really nice person and it’s really unlikely that some aggressive side of your character is going to appear. If you weren’t nice, you wouldn’t be bothered whether people took you as aggressive or not.
Below are 10 tips that can help you be more assertive:
- Meet the person at their level – standing, sitting etc.
- Speak at a similar volume to the other person, if you are trying to make a point, then it is ok to speak slightly louder – just don’t overdo it. If you are both shouting then it’s probably not going to be a great conversation – postpone it until you have both calmed down.
- If you are not clear about what you want to say or achieve by this conversation then politely request it be undertaken at a later time or date.
- If you can, spend some time thinking about a positive outcome for you both, before you meet with the person. Otherwise use no.3 above and use the time in between to do this. It is important not to spend too long thinking about all the possible outcomes, simply be open to the possibility of a positive outcome for both parties.
- If you need some extra confidence, then think about your body language: steepling is a great way to feel confident… press only the tips of your fingers together in a kind of prayer position – thumb to thumb, index finger to index finger etc. There are other variations of this that you will easily find in a google search.
- Feelings are really important – most people are capable of spotting when they are beginning to feel angry, so be aware of how you are feeling. If you notice yourself becoming angry, aggressive or even despondent, then remember you have the option to stop the conversation and continue at another time. Sometimes the clue is that your words don’t come out easily – like there is something stopping you explain yourself clearly. If you can relax and continue then that’s fantastic.
- Saying No – if you are asked to do something that is in the future, a quick way to know your true answer is to consider what you would say if it was happening now (supposing you have the time free). For other questions or requests, remember that there is no benefit in doing something for someone if you do not have the time or skills to complete it. People respect you far more for saying a polite “I’d love to help you but I really don’t have time right now, if I get done here I’ll come and help”, than they do if you say Yes all the time and then don’t have time to deliver on your promises. Remember that people take the line of least resistance, if they find someone who will always say yes, then that person goes top of the list for everything. Think of people you know who do that and then consider what your feelings about them are… Do you want people to think that way of you?
- Find someone who you see as Assertive and then begin to think about what it is they do that makes them come across as assertive. How do they sound, what do they say, how do they stand, etc. If appropriate, ask them what they think about it.
- Start small and gain experience – maybe you could simply ask someone who you would not normally if they can get you a coffee from the machine etc. Small triumphs along the way are really helpful, especially if you don’t want to jump in at the deep end and go and ask your boss for a raise just yet!
- Celebrate how far you have come – becoming assertive takes time and balance, so celebrate the achievements and the journey you have undertaken to date. Continue this process and don’t be afraid to make mistakes – if necessary you can apologise! Often the truth will help you gain the person’s trust and respect, so tell them you are learning to be assertive and any feedback is much appreciated – good or bad. You may even find you make allies in people you wouldn’t have normally turned to for help.
Ultimately, this takes time, as does any process of change. I have seen and helped many people become more assertive and find the courage to say no, when appropriate. It’s worth the hard work to feel happier about yourself and know that you can meet any situation with the right balance of assertiveness and confidence.
See also: 10 Top Tips For Becoming Super-Confident (without becoming arrogant)
tagged
aggressive side,
Assertive,
assertiveness,
benefit,
body language,
Change,
confidence,
feelings,
Fingers,
google,
Google Search,
Index Finger,
Kind Of Prayer,
learning,
outcome,
Prayer Position,
respect,
self-esteem,
Thumb,
tips,
Variations
It doesn’t happen all that often to me now, but occasionally I find that I lack motivation to do the jobs I have to do. This evening was one such time and if I didn’t know my signals better, I’d have simply written it off. However, I recognise the signs well and most of the time I can suspend my negative thinking and get on with things anyway.
I think the key to success in this area is in learning about yourself – what are the triggers and the warning signs that you are about to enter some thinking that will stop you getting on with your work or life. For me, I have some internal dialogue (voices in my head!) that give me helpful advice or sometimes tell me that I must be coming down with something. The older, less wise, versions of myself used to take these nuggets as truths and procrastinate like crazy. Normally this would have resulted in some kind of cold – or at least a bigger mess for not having done the work.
Now these voices are much quieter and I consider myself very fortunate to be able to hear them for what they are… EXCUSES. I know this about myself and I am able to take responsibility for the fact that I simply don’t want to have to do whatever it is I know I have to do. Once I realise, the task can be started and completed and 99% of the time, it’s much more fun than I imagined it would be.
tagged
excuses excuses,
internal dialogue,
lack,
learning,
motivation,
negative thinking,
responsibility,
signals,
success,
voices in my head,
warning signs,
work
It’s normally around now that most people realise that we’re a good way into the year and they’ve not done too well on their promises to themselves. If you are in this boat, then the first thing you’ll do, of course, is to berate yourself about it. Obviously this makes you feel wonderful and all the more motivated to get into action! No?
So, clearly this method of motivation is largely unsuccessful, rather like a parent in a sports game who tells their child exactly what they are doing wrong and then expects them to perform to the most incredible standard, which of course would not be good enough. If you hadn’t already realised, we all have this parent that dwells inside us, ready to pounce on any slight deviation from perfection. This “Critical Parent” (or Controlling Parent – from the Transactional Analysis model) seeks to keep us on the straight and narrow, performing to the best of our ability. Even without too much psycho-babble and explanation, it is clearly not a fast route to success or motivation.
The most wonderful thing about any type of situation where we want to make change is that the key to it is awareness. So the first step is simply to be vigilant and be aware when such situations like this occur. When you notice the voice in your head being critical and saying that you need to get on with it, or do things differently, because you are aware of it, you have the power to react in any way you choose. For me, I find that a big smile back at the voice completely disarms it and enables me to become motivated rather than it disabling me. The beauty in this is that you can find your own way of reacting that will help you to keep or become more motivated to make the changes you desire.
It takes time, the first thing that usually happens is that you notice later and then you criticise yourself for not noticing at the time, which you may or may not notice as you do this! With practice, patience and a reminder that you are still learning and actually spotting it late is better than you’ve ever done before, this way of dealing with your inner critic will help you live a more motivated life.
tagged
Awareness,
Change,
Choice,
learning,
motivation,
parenting,
promises,
psycho babble,
reaction,
tips,
transactional analysis
I have recently had the privilege to work alongside a colleague in the Coaching profession, who works with a class of students from a college (aged between 18 and 24). We did a couple of exercises with them to help them with their preparations for their careers and it was extremely rewarding to be involved. The general theme of the classes is around them discussing their issues and then proposing together some strategies and ideas to help them all move forward. In this particular industry, this co-creative learning is virtually unheard of and the challenges of competition create more of a dog-eat-dog environment.
My brief observation at the time was that for many of these young men and women, this is likely to be the first time that they have ever had to think for themselves. The general theme of most teaching of children in schools and adults in university is about how things are done and learning to do things the way they’ve always been done. (Clearly there are going to be exceptions to this.) My description at the time was that here is a class where these people can learn to become adults and independent thinkers.
I’ve been pondering on this experience and observation for a few weeks now and I’m really quite excited about the possibilities of this style of learning and how it might effect us all if we were allowed to create our own learning experience from a much younger age. In this time of prescriptive teaching, standardised testing and general pigeon-holing of our children, surely we are simply creating a generation of children who are ill-equipped to think for themselves and will simply watch TV and play on the Wii until they have to get up and go to work in order that they can be told what to do. I talk to many people who bemoan the fact that some young people starting new jobs seem unable to take initiative and get on with their work, expecting instead to be told what to do all the time. Imagine the possibilities for our world if our next generation emerged from school, college or university able to think for themselves, to challenge existing thinking and make positive marks on the world around them…
It’s not surprising that so many people consider home education or alternative schooling such as Steiner or Montessori education for their children. I have a deep respect for people who are out there enabling this kind of co-creative learning for our children and young adults and take my hat off to you for making a difference not only to the lives of the people you touch, but also to the lives of the people they touch.